Editorials

Calling All Scientists To Make a Change: Admit Neil Armstrong Was our First Alien

History, science, books, knowledge-brainiacs love this stuff. I get it guys, you love pushing the boundaries, getting stuff learned and learning it up! Same, totally, me too. But lately I have been struggling with the idea that some of my science-brain-brothers have been getting things mixed up.

Neil Armstrong along with 11 other people have all been on the moon and everyone’s all like “ooh what step for mankind” but I am not an idiot. Once a Being steps on a terrain outside their planet we all know that that makes them aliens.

How To Make Fake News And Overthrow Democracy and Journalism

Hey there folks! Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Golden Words! Last week, you saw lots of other text and words. This week, prepare for more of that, hopefully with more humour. But I mean who knows, I don’t read any of these articles before I put them in the paper–just here to make my money and get the fuck out. I leave principles to actual news organizations like Breitbart, and VICE. That’s right, I hate VICE. The documentaries are first year film assignments and it’s basically the left-wing version of Breitbart for people who check off travel as an interest in LinkedIn.

Welcome Back to Golden Words! Also Your New Year’s Resolutions Are Bullshit

Hey there. Are you sitting down? You should be. Okay are you sitting down? Get up, that’s disgusting. Get ahold of yourself.

Welcome back to Golden Words! I know you missed it. I mean look at yourself - you look horrific. That trip to somewhere sunny did you no favours. It’s nice that you can bundle up and hide it though. In any case, I know that you’ve been waiting to read my words and follow them to a key. So, with that in mind:

Mea 4: The Hard Shell v.s Soft Shell Taco

Problem Definition
People think soft shell tacos are better than hard shell tacos. This is false and incorrect. I can’t believe I even need to do this.

Scope
For this report we will be discussing the merits and demerits of the soft shell and hard shell taco. The taco shells in discussion will be of El Paso Kit. This does not include the Limited Time Only shells, Holiday Special shells, or any other bullshit variety shells that are not Classic El Paso Hard Shell or Classic El Paso Soft Shell.

So You Want Me To Write About Race, Huh? Well Hell Fucking NAW I’m Gonna Talk About the Electoral College Instead

I’ve gotten lots of comments from friends this past week. While usually people don’t really talk to me and sorta look away when I walk by, this week was different. On the way to class? Stopped. On the way into the bathroom stall? Stopped. Stopped at a red light? Stopped AND ironic. They always say to me the same thing: “Alex, have you seen what’s going on in Overheard and overall at Queen’s? You NEED to write about race this issue! It would be such a good idea!” If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about then you’re living under a rock.

SAMANTHA’S TOP 5 WHITE NOISE BANGERS TO GET LAID TO

Woah what’s going on? Who’s this other blonde girl below me? That’s not Leah. At least I don’t think it is. Change scares me.

What Happened When I Grew A Moustache? These Things.

As some of you may know, and as most of you probably don’t, I am a HUGE fan of white noise machines. I listen to that shit while I study, while I sleep, while I make pizza pockets, and overtop of television shows. You see me doing something? Chances are that I am bumping that sweet, sweet, white noise. I recently went home with a guy who played a blend of air conditioning fan noises to fall asleep to. The loop was about eight minutes long and at the end of every eight minutes, it skipped and replayed itself. Talk about romance, am I right ladies?

I Remember When I Had Good Dreams

Listen up kids, when you’ve been around as long as I have there’s a real temptation to look back at the past with rose tinted lenses. But this is one exception where my perception is not skewing my reflection: my dreams. When I was a kid I had the best dreams: I used to fancifully fantasize about flying, about being an astronaut, about having a mother who would tell me that I was spec- I mean tell me that I was specializing in advanced neurosurgery as she handed me my MD from Harvard. But let’s admit it nowadays I’m not as young as I used to be.

Finally A Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart Erotica

The moment we have all been waiting for is here, the Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party TV show has been out for some time now, and we have all had one thing on our mind-when are they going to you know… :P. So here is a little X-rated fanfiction I thought up!

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