Potato Chip Tier List

Hello fellow literates! Thanks for joining us once again for another issue of Golden Words, this time with more potato chips! That’s right folks, due to popular demand we’ve taken the ethical responsibility to put more starch-based content into our newspaper.

Dead Baby Jokes You Can Make at Abortion Clinics

So I know we’ve all been there - waiting in the abortion clinic, and you feel SO awkward because all the dead baby jokes you normally would be making are super inappropriate. I mean, almost every dead baby joke is made about babies that are like already alive and conscious; which is super fucking exclusive, pretentious, and downright awkward when you’re all there with dead non-alive babies. So today, as an activist and humanitarian and vegan, I want to fix this broken system by providing you with some dead non-alive baby jokes!

Not Like Other Girls

The year is 2069, APOCALYPSE has hit. Ahhhh! Oh my god it’s so bad!!! Ahh so many people are dead!!! The Korean guy or someone totally nuked the Heck out of us. Did we deserve it? Maybe that’s the complexity of the whole situation, I don’t have time to get into it but like I DO have a great grasp on politics and morals I just like don’t think you’d get it.

What Really Happens At Grease Pole

This past Saturday I was part of an elite Golden Words task force that, under the cover of dusk, snuck onto a bus full of upper year Eng students to go to grease pole to take some photos and act as a reputable newspaper presence. The first thing we noticed were the amount of gatherings around campus where these engineers-to-be were pre-ing. Or so we thought. In actuality these folks were greasing up their own poles, in a graphic display of engineering hubris and overconfidence in their girth.

We're Back

Hello everyone! Welcome back to another year of Golden Words, and maybe also school, I guess. You’ve been waiting patiently for a long time to get your sweaty hand sausages back on an issue of this bad boy so congrats - don’t blow your load just yet (you’re in public you weirdo). For those who are coming to Queen’s for the first time - welcome! If you know want to be cool and succumb to peer pressure, you better read this paper and tell all your friends to do so as well. Know why? Cuz we can say swear words in this. Like fuck and shit and fuckshit! Take that New York Times!

Bring Sexism Back to Engineering

HAha SUP! Yep i’m the cool editor with a trendy greeting, lower caps, short forms, and a rockin personality. NO I do not care to welcome you frosh or any of you I am NOT your mom and you will not speak to me in that tone of voice young man. Anyways, I bet everyone is like “ooh welcome to Queens it's gonna be the best” well first of all news flash no one could even know that so already the logic is off. Secondly, Queens definitely has some stuff to work on and as a great opener to the year I am going to give a critical editorial on the classic subject of Sexism.

Be that Friend Who’s Smoked Crack

It’s over. You wanted to kiss that one person on their pee-pee? Too late. It’s week 12, the season finale, over anticipated, ultimately underwhelming, and at least one thing will make you cringe. I can’t speak for everyone but when I get home I like to be the zaniest character around. Oh what’s that? That’s the banter bus and I’m in the driver’s seat.

Lowkey Bangers

Last issue of the year! Yay. We all hate doing this gig. Anyway, after religiously devouring our paper for the semester you’re probably going to want some sort of closure from Volume 50. Throughout the summer, you probably won’t be able to laugh at all. It happens to all of us. We can only say tough shit - we’re not in the business of handouts Bernie Sanders/Communist McLenin. Once school is over and you’re back in your small town, you’re probably going to keep up with your drinking habits and trying to listen to some dope bangers.

Sexual Tension: The Unit in Physics 111 YOur Prof Left Out (It’s Like Khan Academy)

Set the scene: Its your physics class, I roll in on heelies, I’m looking good, I whisper in your ear “What’s up you dusty ass nerd hoes, I am the substitute teacher for the today and the lesson is on tension between to moving bodies. Sexual Tension. LOL.“ It’s going to be like a ted-talk but worse. Although you may not be able to tell, all of you are currently suspended in this room connected by an invisible force-tension. As you can see in Figure 1, there are two principle forces in sexual tension.

Conversation Pieces for mere acquaintances

Hello my homeboys, homegirls, and home-non CIS-gendered peeps! I hope that your school hasn’t kicked you out yet and that your parents haven’t kicked you out either. This week, being our penultimate week of Volume 50 (boohoo so sad), means that we’re probably going to change gears and take a more serious approach. Indeed, the responsibilities of a newspaper that puts out 3000ish copies of 25 issues a year, and is the only notable paper on campus are many. While dick jokes are of course a necessity, we also have many responsibilities to ensure the greater Queen’s community is well off.