Syd Editorial: A Golden Words Story: Part One

It was a dark and stormy night, as is always the case when writing a scary tale. The skies were hazy, clouds running into each other turning the sky into a gradient of grey. Sweet cerulean sky and sparks of sun hid behind the monochrome, but it was unbeknownst to Penny Tration as she slept, blissfully unaware of what was to come - of what had already occurred.

Sam Editorial: Stand Up

Standup comedy is an exciting experience: getting up in front of a crowd of people with nothing but your wits and a couple of hackneyed jokes about the difference between guys and gals. You have to be bold, you have to be confident, you have to be willing to stand, slowly walk around and then stand again. Ideally you need to be funny as well, but for the most part it’s just a lot of slowly wheeling around a lit stage. I would know, because I can imagine what it’s like to be a standup comic. However, seeing as these are skills I do not have, and don’t care to cultivate, I’m going to.

Sam Editorial: Dweeb of the Year

So this past summer this funny thing happened during my daily commute. While on the bus back from my job at the engineering office wearing a short sleeved collared shirt, I transitioned smoothly from playing chess on my phone to doing the crossword to doing the sudoku to reading a comic book. It was this seemingly innocuous combination of nerdy pastimes that catalysed a reaction within me. Unbeknownst to me what I was doing on the bus combined with my studies at an electrical engineer short circuited past my body’s natural dweeb dampening mechanisms.

Syd Editorial: The Truth Behind Disney Princesses

Earlier this week I was spending my time perusing facebook and generally wasting valuable time I could be using to better my life and came across a BuzzFeed article a ‘friend’ had shared: Belle Was Literally the Fucking Worst. After immediately unfriending that anonymous friend (sorry, Mom), because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life, I carried on with my mindless internet clicking. But it nagged at the back of my mind - what could Belle, the princess praised for her smarts, and more importantly, beauty, have done to make her so hated?

New Rules of Smith School of Business

As I’m sure you’re patently tired of hearing by now the School of Business is now honoured to hold the name of Stephen Smith, professional money-haver, Finalist in the Caucasian Category of the Pan American Most Obviously Made Up Name Olympics and notably not a graduate of the Queen’s School of Business. Yes as I’m sure the 13 Overheard posts, 15 Facebook statuses and numerous mocking messages left scrawled on Goodes bathroom stalls have now informed you, Mr. Stephen Smith is not a commie but rather a Sci’ 72 straight outta Elec Eng.

Sam Editorial: Weird Dream

Seeing as my mom won’t tolerate this anymore I will relay my latest dream to you my captive audience.

Syd Editorial: For Anyone Who Has Ever Worked Retail

As is the same with many students who have to fund their masochistic lifestyle of binge eating Mr. Noodle to save money for partying and other things more important than nutritious food, I have a job, during the school year. I know, hard to believe, but as is the life of an ArtSci, I can somewhat manage to find time between naps and not attending class to make some dough, bake some cookies, and go to work. 

Syd Editorial: The Varied Uses of the Modern Dildo

Many people are under the assumption that dildos are good for one thing, and one thing only, but that is simply not the case. While their main priority is to serve as a pleasurable aid, they can be used for a variety of things that many people fail to acknowledge. As an act of charity I have decided to divulge the ‘secret’ uses for dildos that could make many people’s lives just that much better. 

Sam Editorial: Our Enemies Listed

We here at Golden Words have had a lotta haters trying to tear us down. But we’ve never made public our formal list of people we despise as an institution. But now the secret is out and I’m letting the world know who we hate (in no particular order)
Particular Order: There is no greater threat to the world as we know it then when a list is made in a particular order.

Colin/Sam Editorial: www.GovernmentPissingInOurBeer.net

    Hey Everybody. I’m Colin the character from this week’s frosh video. Who you may know inspired Golden Words bold campaign slogan “We’re Not High On Cocaine”. If you haven’t seen the video I suggest you go look for it at www.goldenwords.ca. However, I’m here to talk to you about a soberingly real crisis that is affecting all of us: the Government has been pissing in our beer to dumb us down. I can hear you saying, “Colin you’re crazy that makes literally no sense.