News

Queen’s Concrete Toboggan Team Won Somehow

Every year the around 30 of the silliest fucking Queen’s students gather in Ellis Hall and mix around concrete and talk about being beauties or something. It’s a civil-mech eng group mostly but it’s open to everyone. The team is to compete every year in the Great Northern

Concrete Toboggan Race. Basically you gotta make a toboggan that only touches the snow with concrete, and then race a bunch of other teams from across the country down a big ol hill.

Daniel Woolf to Institute Temporary Ban of Commerce Program

RICHARDSON HALL, KINGSTON: The office of the Principal was filled with authoritative white people on this past Tuesday, January 31st. Together they smiled with Principal Woolf as they erased the rights of all commerce students – a visible minority within the Queen’s student body.

Music Student in Critical Condition After Piano Hilariously Falls on Head

Earlier this week, Areal Violin, a 3rd year music student suffered blunt force trauma to her brain and a free trip to KGH during a freak piano-delivery mishap outside of Harrison LeCaine. Witnesses say Areal slipped and fell right under a piano being lifted on a crane which distracted the movers, causing the piano to fall 3 storeys and land perfectly on her head. One of the movers Isat Uba, described the scene as ‘horrifyingly humorous’, “Like we all heard this comical ‘TWANG’ but when we looked we saw this poor girl with her faced caved in and just blood...everywhere…”.

Missing Persons Notice: Justin Trudeau

Dear readers, in this time of political instability it is my unfortunate burden to add only more tinder on the already burning pyre. As most Canadians are aware, our current Prime Minister is none other than the frat lord himself, Justin Trudeau. But what most people might not know is that our fearless leader is hiding a special talent, the likes of which have never been seen before. Some of you may have seen evidence of this ability before: deep in the annals of Youtube if one is true enough, they can find glorious proof of our Prime Minister’s true power.

Leonard Hall To Add Hair In Every Meal To Meet Protein Requirements

Citing a lack of protein in cafeteria meals, Queen’s Hospitality services announced it will begin intentionally placing hair in all dishes served at Leonard Hall. Previous policy was to simply not remove hair that fell into food. Student will now be expected donate small amounts of hair upon entering Leonard to meet demand. Queen’s Hospitality Services has reportedly been contacting local hair salons for donations.

He Who Lives In A Pineapple Under The Sea

At first glance the Krusty Krab appears to be a friendly, if unclean establishment. However, on closer inspection it is rife with child labour and employment law violations. Eugene M. Krabs, an ex-naval officer with a lust for riches and a penchant for abuse, has set up one of the most exploitative and brutal institutions in all of Bikini Bottom.

Students Propose turning Stauffer Library into Actual Nightclub

QUEEN’S UNIVERSITY, KINGSTON: Saturday saw the revelation that one AMS executive team in the current election intends to turn The Underground into a study space for half of every week. Citing the need for increased study space, the proposal suggests using The Underground as a library from Sunday to Wednesday.

Local Old Folks Home Trying New “Unplug” Policy To Save Energy

Saint Catherine’s Home for the Wrinkly and Unwanted has taken on a new environmentally friendly initiative this past week. Aptly named “Unplugged”, the in-home staff have been instructed to disconnect phone chargers, laptop cords and life support systems in order to reduce their carbon footprint. “It’s really a great thing we’re doing here. There’s this peace of mind you get from this sort of ecological responsibility” said Gary Busey, an attendant at the facility.

America More Concerned About Super Bowl LI Than Imminent Nuclear Attack

Last week a sleeper agent by the name of Donalt Anton Trumikov, code named Donald Trump, fulfilled the final mission of the KGB, which was to have a true native Russian elected in America.

CIA Unveils Donald Trump's Ties to Russia

Since even before Donald Trump was elected President of The United States of America, he has been dogged by accusations of secret ties to Russia. Journalists have documented countless intersections between his own business interests and those of Russian oligarchs, and his own campaign manager Paul Manafort was forced to step down upon discovering a link to pro-Russian Ukrainian politics. This morning, the CIA finally unveiled all of these secret ties to the world.

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