News

Walk Home Introduces New "RUN HOME!" Program to Promote Healthy Living

Beginning March 2nd, Walk Home will be rolling out a new initiative to curb unhealthy lifestyles on and off campus. The new program named “RUN HOME!” responds to callers by sending out two varsity athletes (male and female) to stalk the client. Once the individual is completely alone, the designated “trainers” violently chase the caller back to their residence or home. During the pursuit, the trainers yell out phrases of motivation such as “You can’t escape!” or “We want to feed!” to encourage the caller to maintain a high pace.

Donald Trump Commends Golden Words Science Fair as Premier Science Competition

After attending the the Golden Words Science Fair on Tuesday night, Donald Trump took to Twitter to express his satisfaction with the display of projects:

The President was particularly amazed by the Donald Trump Tweet Generator, a project that uses machine learning to predict future tweets from his account. Donald Trump reportedly acquired this technology from the students and fired his communications team. US Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who also attended, called the event “an effective model for science education holy shit is that a penis volcano?! Lemme see!!!”

US Ambassador to Russia Under Fire for Alleged Contact with Russia

In the first few months of Donald Trump’s presidency, the entire political landscape of the United States has been shifted, and the promises to crush the Democratic establishment have largely been fulfilled. However the Trump White House has continually been plagued by accusations of ties to Vladimir Putin, which have already forced the resignation of National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, and caused Attorney General Jeff Sessions to recuse himself from any investigation into Russian meddling in the American elections.

Girl Becomes Tim Hortons' Slave After Shocking Roll Up The Rim Result

As Jenna Freedman strolled into BioSci for her 3:30pm DEVS100 lecture, she sensed an unusual amount of glee in the air. After a few seconds of staring at the sky-written pictures of Lea Michele, she also sensed an unusual amount of happiness in the air. Snow draped treetops, rooftops, and people-tops (hats) alike. A peppermint aroma laced itself across the streets. A faint jingle bell could be heard in the distance.

It finally dawned on her. It was the most wonderful time of the year. Roll Up The Rim season.

Queen’s Concrete Toboggan Team Won Somehow

Every year the around 30 of the silliest fucking Queen’s students gather in Ellis Hall and mix around concrete and talk about being beauties or something. It’s a civil-mech eng group mostly but it’s open to everyone. The team is to compete every year in the Great Northern

Concrete Toboggan Race. Basically you gotta make a toboggan that only touches the snow with concrete, and then race a bunch of other teams from across the country down a big ol hill.

3-Year-Old Gets Mistaken as KCVI Student Gets Mistaken as Queen's Student at Convocation

As the sweet sounds of bagpipes ruffled through Grant Hall during Fall Convocation and the graduates started lining up, all seemed to be going well. But little did anyone know, Jehovah Wilkins, a 3-year-old student at the Bright Sunshine Daycare accidentally stumbled into the ceremony and got confused as a KCVI student and hence a fourth year Queen’s student. No one involved in the convocation noticed the lone straggler and everything proceeded normally.

Massacre at Local Lawnbowling Club

Kingston Lawn Bowling Club- Local senior citizens were treated to a thrashing as visiting Belleville Lawn Bowling Club defeated Kingston Lawn Bowling Club 31 bowls to 2. The team of Rick Wellsford, Sarah Stewart, David Pena bowled a near flawless game to upset the updated home team roster of Sean Bitter, Kellyanne Oldman and Donald Goldschmidt. Local fans say they were shocked when the home team repeatedly tried repositioning their balls after poor throws. Referee Angus Cottrell was forced to intervene on several occasions to restore order to the game, citing “foul-play”.

Dean Woodhouse’s 2017 Executive Orders

This Winter 2017 semester has seen unprecedented action on the part of the Queen’s Dean of Engineering. She has been acclaimed by many for her energy and her relentlessness, while condemned by some for her innovative ideas. However, it is undisputable that unlike many previous Deans, she has accomplished what she has said she would when she was campaigning to become Dean of Engineering, and much more.

Student Disappointed Corgi Was Just CoGro Autocorrected

It was a sad day for Jonathan Robert Mueller as he received an exciting iMessage from one of his close friends. Jeremy Levin, his canmate in Leggett in first year, was always loyal to him and would help him no matter the cause. When Mueller got his penis stuck in that makeshift cold cut fleshlight, Levin helped, using saliva, to get him out of it. When Mueller got his penis stuck in a mug, Levin yanked him out. When he got his penis stuck in a hockey puck, Levin was really confused but helped anyway.

Legendary Pictures Announces: "The Dark Knight Circumsises", Starring Jewish Bale

After five years of anxiously awaiting, fans of DC Comics have been raving over the recent announcement of a new entry in the Dark Knight franchise. However, not all are enjoying the polarizing news that the movie will star acclaimed actor, Jewish Bale, as Batman. The movie, slated to arrive in May 2017, will be titled “The Dark Knight Circumcises”, and will focus on Batman’s rebirth as a spunky Jewish teen growing up in mid-1960s Brooklyn.

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