News

America More Concerned About Super Bowl LI Than Imminent Nuclear Attack

Last week a sleeper agent by the name of Donalt Anton Trumikov, code named Donald Trump, fulfilled the final mission of the KGB, which was to have a true native Russian elected in America.

CIA Unveils Donald Trump's Ties to Russia

Since even before Donald Trump was elected President of The United States of America, he has been dogged by accusations of secret ties to Russia. Journalists have documented countless intersections between his own business interests and those of Russian oligarchs, and his own campaign manager Paul Manafort was forced to step down upon discovering a link to pro-Russian Ukrainian politics. This morning, the CIA finally unveiled all of these secret ties to the world.

Crocs and Clorox: Exploring the Fashion World

There has been a new fashion trend exploding out of Toronto: a city known for it’s sub-par hockey team and copying everything that Drake does. But this latest fashion craze has come from civilians not the 6 God himself. Recently, Crocs have received a lot of flack for being “absolute garbage.” I will admit that I have shared that opinion, but with this revitalization, Crocs are coming back. The newest craze is Crocs and Clorox. And I know you might be thinking, “But TooMuchDog, that’s surely unhealthy! That’s not a fashion trend that people can sustain!

Report: Alistair Wants You To Wait Before You Sign The Lease

THE STUDENT GHETTO: To the surprise of nobody except you, Alistair Bateman, a 1st year prospective POLS major (and your future housemate), is not ready to sign the lease. After much deliberation, Alistair has decided it may be better to wait before any rash actions are taken. Unprompted, Alistair told interviewers “I’m just not sure that we should sign before doing our due diligence. Yes, all of us like the house, but what if we move in and realize we made a mistake?”

Two Classmates Share Subtle Nods Upon Realization That They Both Use Reddit

At 1:55pm on January 11th, two students sitting half-asleep in a MECH323 lecture formed an unbreakable bond after discovering that were both browsing popular social media platform Reddit. Dhamn Daniels was taking notes on gear design, particularly related to the addendum and dedendum circles on the gear teeth, when he decided to take a quick study break and check the recent updates on /r/hiphopheads, the hip-hop forum within Reddit.

Eng That Went High to Graphics Exam Regrets it After Getting Marks Back

As students come back from the break and marks start rolling in, many will be content with the work they put in over exams but others will be distraught with their lack of trying. Tim Thiggins, an Eng frosh falls into the latter category. After talking to his friends he was convinced that if he went high to his first year graphics exam he would ace it. He did not. Tim explains, “yeah man my buddy Nut was telling me that he toked up before the graphics midterm and was able to like visualize the shapes and shit and got like a 95 on it!

Canadian Government Issues Major Health Warning For Realsies

Listen, this day in age everyone is very health-conscious. You’ve got people who are runners, people who get flu vaccinations every year, people who go to the gym, and god forbid: (in a harsh whisper) vegans… Now there are constantly epidemics on the rise that threaten the lives of millions and the very freedom of Canadians. Currently, an unfortunate 1.097 million people (as of 2011) are afflicted with this disease and the number is on the rise everyday. Keep yourself armed with knowledge and a baseball bat with nails in it to beat the hell out of the people that do have it.

Hottest New Escape Room, The United States of America, Opening January 20th

After a controversial year filled with many ups and downs, an extremely fun new trend emerged to take our mind off of the senseless deaths in Hollywood, and the tragedies in places like Aleppo: escape rooms. For the uninitiated, escape rooms are fun experiences where a group of people are locked in a room, and must solve a series of puzzles to finally open the door and escape the room, while under a strict time limit. Escape rooms have quickly gained traction as a quick way to see your friends without any further social commitment!

Girl Who Consistently Overreacts Announces She Hates Drama

Jennifer Vandreet, fourth year Commerce Student, has written a 15 paragraph, 7000 word Facebook post announcing to her friends and followers that she hates drama. The Facebook post, which was originally published on November 5th, was originally overshadowed by Science Formal occurring on the same day and only received 2 shares and 37 likes. In wake of the oversight of her peers, Jennifer bravely decided to reshare the post to her own timeline just yesterday. “I just really wanted people to know where I’m at with my life,” Jennifer revealed in a Golden Words exclusive interview.

Wow! Mike Pence Condemns Hamilton Cast In Audience At His One-Man Magic Show

A mere week ago, VP-elect Mike Pence was chastised during a performance of Hamilton in New York City for the ways in which his administration would potential act for certain minorities. In a stunning turn of events, the cast of Hamilton found themselves in a tight spot when they realized that they were sitting front row at none other than Zap!: A Mike Pence Night of Magic and faced an earful from Pence after the show.

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