News

AMS Proposes Renaming “Ritual”, “Religious Ceremony”

The latest in a series of rulings in an attempt to desperately check all of campus’ privilege, the AMS has declared that it wishes to make steps to rename the ever popular excuse to skip class on Friday, “Ritual” as the more politically correct “Religious Ceremony”. AMS spokesperson Amanda Lootsma who asked not to be referred to as him or her saying it was gender-limiting, said today that “The chief ceremony of the most visible cult on campus, Applied Science, shouldn’t be demeaned with derogatory terminology. You wouldn’t call Rosh Hashanah Jewish Thanksgiving, would you?

Golden Words Throws Keg Race By Themselves

5 Dead and 3 in Critical Condition
----------

Cosmos Originally Made Exclusively for Stoners

A recently discovered note from Carl Sagan’s old desk revealed that Cosmos was solely created for those under the influence of marijuana. “The big flashing lights, the ‘whooshing’ noises as asteroids fly through space, the infinite zooming in from huge planets to the nuclei of atoms, you’d have to be a fucking tool to think the primary demographic isn’t stoners,” Sagan stated.  

Local Guy Invites Woman Over to Actually Watch a Movie

Earlier this week, local student George Reeves invited a woman he is well acquainted with to watch a movie. Unlike many guys however, he seriously only wanted to watch a movie, causing much confusion. “This girI I know told me she had never seen ‘The Matrix’! How crazy is that? It’s a classic that’s been out for more than a decade. I told her she should come over to watch it.

Breakdown of the Football Disaster Against Guelph

(disclaimer: these are real numbers)
-66-0.
-(11 naked miles????).
-First time since 2005 that the Gaels scored 0 in a game.
-Also called a shutout.
-Football team slightly embarrassed.
-Queen’s bands salvaged Queen’s pride, painted the Guelph canon in tricolour (overlord).
-‘Largest losing margin in the 133-year history of the program’ according to the Gryphon’s Wordpress
-86 full yards of rushing
-Too many “wtfisagael” hashtags
-Queen’s students will forgive (purposely forget) their beloved team in time for homecoming (hopefully)

AMS Starts Long and Expensive Campaign to Re-brand Ghetto Bugs as University District Bugs.

    Following the underwhelming success of the campaign to rebrand the Student Ghetto as the University District, the AMS has decided to spend even more time and money on marketing campaigns to remove the stigma of the ghetto being an area in Kingston where students pay high rent for generally shitty housing. The previous unspoken agreement was that students would cope with the depressing look of their houses by being slightly too recklessly under the influence at all times.

West Campus Narrowly Avoids Independence from Queen's

Referendum voters last week chose to remain connected with Main Campus.

In what many pundits (POLS students) are calling “the tightest vote in years”, the residents and staff of Queen’s University’s self-described “little tumour”, West Campus, voted 51.2% to 48.8% against independance. The referendum had been dominating student discussion across campus for a couple of hours before the results came in.

77% of Queen's Students Can Totally Stop Drinking Whenever They Want

A recent study conducted by the AMS concluded that an overwhelming majority of Queen’s students can stop drinking whenever they want. This was followed by 13% who stated they drink “maybe once a weekend, two tops” and 10% who yelled “Holy fucking shit you’re not my dad”, and ripped up the survey and stumbled out of the room. 100% of students responded “yes” to actually being drunk while taking the survey.

Future SLC '20 Student Doesn't Find First Year Eng That Hard

Current Sci ‘18 Curtis Fleet, a future Arts ‘19 and eventual SLC ‘20 student, does not find his first year courses that hard. In a recent statement made in his rez room, Mr. Fleet, whilst beating his roommate at FIFA 2014, said “I went to lectures first week and it was like all review, I totally knew that shit, so I was like to my bro Vance, yo I’m just gonna show up to quizzes and midterms, university is so easy.” He would allegedly then go on to “totally destroy Vance at “Chel” [NHL ‘14], COD, and even a throwback game of Mario Party 4”

News of the World - Week of Sept. 24


Queen’s begins invalidating student IDs of students who have left to join extremist groups
Perhaps due to a lack of student clubs that spark their interest, many Queen’s students have deserted their studies in recent months to join radical extremist and terrorist groups such as the Islamic State in Iraq and Al-Sham; and the Frosh Regulation Enforcement Committee. This has has led the university to release a statement saying that these student’s ID cards will no longer be valid.

Pages