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President Obama Eagerly Looking Forward to Finally Being Able to Smoke Again

I was sitting in the Oval Office sitting across from the most powerful person in the free world. His hair was greyer that it was 8 years ago, his face had obviously experienced accelerated aging from the extreme stress he experiences every day. I was looking at the face of President Barack Obama. Eight years ago Barack Obama was just a senator from Illinois who was running for the highest office in the land.

Open Course Enrollment Selection On Solus To Be Replaced By Natural Selection

In an experimental decision, the University announced on Monday that open course enrollment selection will be moving from Solus to natural selection.
When asked exactly what natural selection meant, Principal Daniel Woolf said “Instead of enrolling into courses from the convenience of a computer, we pit students against one another in a gladiator-like fight. When they successfully kill their opponent and take a bite into their liver, only then will they get a placement."

Open Course Enrollment Selection On Solus To Be Replaced By Natural Selection

In an experimental decision, the University announced on Monday that open course enrollment selection will be moving from Solus to natural selection.

When asked exactly what natural selection meant, Principal Daniel Woolf said “Instead of enrolling into courses from the convenience of a computer, we pit students against one another in a gladiator-like fight. When they successfully kill their opponent and take a bite into their liver, only then will they get a placement.

Queen’s Student Drowning in Puss after Being Decent Human Being

Donald Griff (Sci ‘17) has been heralded as “chivalrous” and “brave” for not opening a Tinder conversation with a picture of his penis. At the appropriate hour of 4:14 PM on a Wednesday afternoon, 3rd year Art History student and Tinder aficionado Amy BG was delighted to receive an opening message that asked about her day as opposed to a series of eggplant, raindrops and “okay sign” emojis.

Study Shows Widening Gender Gap in Groups That Self-Identify As “The Boys”

The latest study to come out of the Queen’s Faculty of Polling has cast a long, gendered shadow over the entire campus this past Saturday. This study claims that over 99.5% of the individuals who are part of social groups which self-identify as “the Boys” are boys. This includes intentional misspellings such as “Bois”, or synonyms such as “Lads”, “Dudes” or “X-(Chromosome)-Men”. It seems the latest glass ceiling feminism needs to shatter has been staring at us right in the face, all wearing “this is my keg stand t-shirts” while doing a keg stand.

Pretentious Indie Band Starts Every Show By Taking Photos of the Audience

The cigarette smoke in a local art gallery basement is thick, and the sounds of orca noises play over the PA system. It’s ten minutes before the first show of the recently reunited band Bänd, a german technocrat-pop group who has been playing underground shows on and off since 1946. Forming seemingly spontaneously on the scene, the band quickly gained a cult-like following amongst the local outsiders.

University Population Stunned As It Reaches Collective Realization That Halloween Actually Isn’t Until Monday


Remember when you were a little kid and no matter the night, you’d drop everything to run around outside dressed as a still-innocent. Harley Quinn? Aw man, those were the days. The men were still creepy except back in those days they were just suburban dads! In those early years, children would actually make sure to double-check the calendar before heading out to trick or treat, to avoid being the only kids running around at night in costume – the pre-teen equivalent of a ‘Fat L’.

Frosh Crosses Street During Red Light For the First Time

Initially apprehensive, first year John Hudson, majoring in economics, philosophy, music, and maybe politics I guess, made history earlier this morning. At 11:28am, at the intersection of Johnson and Division street, Hudson was the first frosh of the year to cross the street during a red light. Looking both ways before crossing, Hudson received audible gasps from his Class of 2020 peers as he made his way across the street.

Student Thinks JDUC Tim Hortons Line Might Be Shorter, It’s Not

(An image of a long Tims line. Fuck.)

In a rocking revelation, Sarah Rutherford, a second year economics major, realized that the JDUC Tim Hortons line could possibly be a whole lot faster than the ARC line. This conclusion resulted in increased stress and anticipation for Rutherford, even though the line actually wasn’t shorter at all. This idea came to her suddenly when she was about to pass the Pizza Pizza in line.

LEAKED: Obama’s Planned Final Speech as President

The following is a direct copy of a speech President Obama plans to give on his final day in office. Golden Words has the utmost certainty in our source and the legitimacy of this leak.

My fellow Americans, it has been nothing shy of an honor to serve you these past eight years.

While I understand that some of you are concerned about my successor, if there’s one thing I’ve learned not to underestimate, it is the resilience of the American people. It is for this reason that I’m certain you can all persevere through the fucking bomb I’m about to drop on you guys.

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