News

Wow! Mike Pence Condemns Hamilton Cast In Audience At His One-Man Magic Show

A mere week ago, VP-elect Mike Pence was chastised during a performance of Hamilton in New York City for the ways in which his administration would potential act for certain minorities. In a stunning turn of events, the cast of Hamilton found themselves in a tight spot when they realized that they were sitting front row at none other than Zap!: A Mike Pence Night of Magic and faced an earful from Pence after the show.

White People Take It One Step Further: Clapping When Their Exams Are Finished

Dev Gupta, a third year student commerce, amidst writing one of his final exams, was startled by a round of applause that rang through the exam writing room.

“I was shocked. I looked up from my exam and saw that a large number of students clapping. Not to make it a race thing, but I’m pretty sure only the white students were applauding” Gupta told his harrowing story to Golden Words, draped in a space blanket that the paramedics gave him.

“I’m so confused… why were they clapping? Is reverse-racism a thing? Why am I so cold.”

KCVI Student Terrorist Plot Unearthed and Quashed

At 9:44 pm on November 5 2016, the Kingston police received a distress signal coming from the Golden Words office in Clark Hall. Two people were found upon entering, the dead body of writer Cain Ronson and 14 year-old Tiny Mansworth, clutching a bloody knife. Tiny Mansworth didn’t go down without a fight but thankfully his small waifish frame made it easy for Officer JJ Barnacle to apprehend him. After being read his Miranda (Cosgrove) rights he yelled, ‘I was just in here to do my science homework, I swear! What do I know about making a portable non-potable anthrax bomb?’.

Political Experts Blame Phallic Shaped State Florida for Fucking America

At around 10pm on November 8th, 2016, liberal America’s worst nightmares began to become reality. Hillary Clinton, long favoured to win the election for 45th American President, had been flip-flopping on a lead in the state of Florida against Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Suddenly, the votes in the rural northern regions of the state were tallied up, and it became clear that Donald Trump was going to take the state of Florida.

Famous Paradoxes and How They Can Applied to Sex and Masturbation

Here at Golden Words™ we like to consider ourselves deep thinkers. This is a little known fact but most press nites are actually just lengthy discussions about classical philosophy and the deeper meaning of life. However, we are also disgusting pieces of shit whose senses of humour are centred mainly on jokes involving vulgarity and topics that should generally be excluded from polite conversation. This week, for your reading pleasure, we have assembled five of our favourite paradoxes and discussed how they can be applied to sex and masturbation.

Brute Force Committee Secret Identity Uncovered

The Brute Force Committee is a secret organization run by engineering students at the University of Toronto. The organization is mainly known for their outrageous pranks over the years, including the successful theft and ransom of our beautiful grease pole. Upon the eventual return of our pole earlier this year, we managed to get an interview with our great friend, Poley McGreasey. From the very few questions it could answer, we determined that our pole had been intensely psychologically tortured, responding only to Slippery Pete.

Student Unsure If Spilled Chilli Or Vomit On Aberdeen

Jared DePencier wasn’t expecting what would befall him that day. In fact, he wasn’t thinking about all that much other than the 1:30pm chem lab that he was running late for. Attendance marks were being taken and DePencier’s participation had been lacking up to that point.

Unthinkable: Frosh Pulls Off Fake ID While Wearing 2016 High School Graduation Sweater

“GRADUATING CLASS OF 2016 BRIDGEVIEW SECONDARY” – these were the words that were boldly written across Lorne Jackson’s sweater when he got into Stages Nightclub using a fake ID.

The 18 year old first year Arts student wears his graduation sweater proudly, no matter the circumstance – whether it be in his lectures or trying to get into nightclubs with his fake ID.

Girl Goes To Hospital Due To Changing Seasons

Today, Jessica Collins, who describes herself as; 1/2 english, 1/8 German, 1/4 Ukrainian 1/8 Irish, a taurus, avid vsco user, and the self proclaimed “selfie-queen <3 <3 <3 XD” was admitted to Hospital with severe shock and anxiety-induced coma. Upon talking to doctors it was revealed Ms. Collins went into an anxiety attack after the realization fall is going to end soon.

KCVI Students Want More Rights Around Campus

It was a particularly deciduous autumn day when Rick Dercer, a third year farts and silence student, came to the standard realization that the pubescent peasants perusing Queen’s campus are in fact high school students. We met up with Rick after his SBD 344 lecture to have a little chat. He told us: “Yeah man, I had no idea there was a high school on campus! I just thought frosh were getting younger every year. I mean sure I looked young back in the day but not that young! I feel like such a dingbat cause when I told my friends, they said they’ve known since first year.

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