LEAKED: Obama’s Planned Final Speech as President

The following is a direct copy of a speech President Obama plans to give on his final day in office. Golden Words has the utmost certainty in our source and the legitimacy of this leak.

My fellow Americans, it has been nothing shy of an honor to serve you these past eight years.

While I understand that some of you are concerned about my successor, if there’s one thing I’ve learned not to underestimate, it is the resilience of the American people. It is for this reason that I’m certain you can all persevere through the fucking bomb I’m about to drop on you guys.

Man uses ‘The Facebook’ to Announce his Voting Plans

Today an elderly man has done something never before attempted; posting his radical political views on “the Facebook” explaining how he will be voting for Donald Trump in the coming US Presidential election.

Man Bravely Admits He Doesn’t Care About Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s Divorce

Ghandi. Ali. Mandela. These people saw the evil in society, and spoke out against it no matter the consequences. Now, a new hero enters the pantheon. Meet Larry Wilson, a man unafraid to let you know how little he cares about the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. If that makes you uncomfortable, then you’re just gonna have to get used to it, because there’s a new day in America.

Queen’s Getting Ready for 176th Anniversary

As many students have noticed the campus this year has been filled with the new tricolour triangle logo celebrating 175 years since the university received its charter from Queen Victoria. The school is taking this dodransbicentennial very seriously, with hopes of engaging with alumni from throughout the ages and soliciting money from them. All sorts of festivities have been planned, especially for this year’s upcoming homecoming. Good times are expected to be had by all.

Notorious G.O.D. Amasses Cult-Like Following After Untimely Death

One of the greatest (G.O.A.T. status yet to be determined, as it is currently being contested by deceased boxer Muhammed Ali) and most influential lyricists, the Notorious G.O.D. has passed away this Tuesday in the year of our him, 2016.

Brother and Sister Do Everything Humanly Possible to Make Dinner Not Look Like Date

On September 17th siblings Mike and Amy Wilson went for dinner at the Keg on their parent’s Visa. They had barely sat down before an elderly woman walked by stating, “what a cute couple”. Mortified, the siblings tried to laugh it off but were unable to resume normal conversation after the comment. Mike started sweating and Amy was unsure what position to sit in order to look the most not-coupley. On-lookers said it was one of the most awkward situations they had ever seen.

3rd Year student sneaks into res, keeps door open in attempt to make first friend

This past Friday, local 2nd year Con-Ed student Dennis O’Neil silently made his way into room 204 of Vic A, leaving the door open in hopes of making one friend at university.

Clinton Campaign Forced to Sit Out Televised Debates After Social Gone Wrong

Following a night of drunken debauchery in Washington D.C, Hillary Clinton has been forced by the DNC to sit out of all four upcoming televised presidential debates.

After A Six Year Struggle, This Man Was Finally Able to Convince His Friends to Start Watching HBO's "The Wire"

Sophocles once said that “there is no success without hardship,” and when one hears the story of Danny Chen, those words are the first that come to mind. Danny is a third year Film student, and ever since the tenth grade, he has fought desperately to get one of his many friends to start watching The Wire, HBO’s critically acclaimed *crime drama, to no avail. “They all said they were just busy, that they’d get around to it eventually,” Danny struggled to utter through his tears, “but then months started to pass, and none of them had even watched the pilot. It was a very dark time for me.”

4th Year Students Quietly Panic About Inevitable Introduction into the Real World™

Frosh Week has just ended across Queen’s University campus, and the realization is slowly setting in on the residing students. No more “suns out, guns out”, no more “your pussy is wetter than the humidity”, no more drinking lukewarm Twisted Teas until you blackout in the bathroom at Ale. It’s time for the students to face the music and their decisions. Students are slowly coming to the realization that the fun, flirty, under thirty time of their lives is dead. RIP in peace #tbt at the Underground, you’re a mother fucking adult now and you have shitty responsibilities you need to deal with.