News

AMS Votes to Replace Gender-Binary Bathrooms with Computer Binary Bathrooms

In an unprecedented vote yesterday, the AMS voted to advance with a pilot project which would replace 12 gender separated bathrooms on campus with computer terminals with a peehole.

Local Canada Computers salesman, Keevin (pronounced ‘Kheviin'), came to the university with the proposal in late 2015, citing his lifetime reputation of championing equality and “lots of really good rights”. Keevin developed the computer terminals himself, after walking away from his prior commitments at Kingston Penitentiary with a renewed level of focus and determination.

Queen's University finally to incorporate Slap Cup as latest intramural sport

THE ARC: After years of intense lobbying by the Slap Cup community, Queen’s University has finally given in to the demands of the people and decided that 2016-2017 will see the debut of the Slap Cup intramural league. There will be two tiers.

Summer AlcOlympics: Recap

This summer saw the games of the 31st olympiad take place in Rio de Janeiro Brazil where the world’s most elite athletes tested the limits of human strength, skill, and speed. The prowess and dedication of the competitors present was truly a sight to behold. However, in the weeks running up to the more widely known summer games, the lesser known Alcolympics were taking place in Gatineau, Quebec.

80% of Queen's Students Have Given Up on Their Academic Goals

Despite numerous exclamations all throughout the year, new polling has discovered that by today, the third day of class, four fifths of Queen’s students have completely reneged on their promise to turn their academic life around. All of the myriad goals the assembled student body had carefully pondered to successfully deliver the GPA that they had tearfully sworn to their parents, were completely forgotten in the haze of post-frosh week hangovers.

ISIS Announces that They are Behind Course Evaluations

Terrorism. The media would have you believe that the terrorists are literally everywhere, and it’s true. They could be behind you right now as you read this… Still here? Well maybe they weren’t actually behind you in the first place who knows, I certainly don’t. But as of 7:23 am Monday morning there is one thing that I do know! ISIS is behind course evaluations!

Citing Budget Restraints, Gender Studies Pays Faculty in SHRC Coupons, Dildoes

This past week, Queen’s Gender Studies Department unveiled a bold new payment model for all its staff. After months of grueling negotiations with the Sexual Health Resource Centre, GNDS faculty can access a dizzying array of condoms, beads and some absolute monster dongs. “It was tough, but I think we walked away with something we all could be proud of — you black hearted perverts of the night,” said temporary department head Chest Rockwell to assembled line of TAs and profs outside of the SHRC.

Local Student Surprised to Learn Underrated Acquaintance Also Listens to Chance the Rapper

At a local party celebrating Katie’s birthday, Jacob Roberts came to discover that his acquaintance, Max Russell also listens to Chance the Rapper. Known to Roberts through a Political Science tutorial from first year, the two third years quickly gained a newfound respect for one another for listening to what Russell called “a suuuuuper underrated gem” and “a great guy”, continuing to note that, “a buddy of mine’s older brother ran a music festival in Boston that he headlined and apparently he’s super chill from their 5 second interaction”.

Spotify Ad Becomes Biggest Banger at the Party

So I’m chilling there, huge party. Biggest party of the year in fact, and I’m faced with DJ-ing. In other words, I’ve got the biggest responsibility to keep the party going - people know me to bring the hottest bangers to any party. And who would I be if I couldn’t give the people what they wanted? I spent all day creating the greatest playlist of all time. Throwbacks? Throw some R. Kelly in for when the party gets steamy, throw some B Street Boys for when people need a bump. Classic tunes? I added Justin Bieber for the ladies, and Kanye for the boys. New shit?

Spider-Man Prequel to Show Peter Parker at the Moment of Conception

Another summer of disappointing superhero blockbusters (X-Men: Apocalypse, Suicide Squad) featuring established characters moving through the motions of right, wrong, and spandex has come to pass. The abysmal box office numbers have left Hollywood executives in an all out Adderall-fueled panic as to how they will be able to maintain their coke-fueled lifestyles if the movie industry continues in this recent pattern of disinterested audiences.

Queen’s University wasted money on football stadiums that it could have put towards my Kickstarter Campaign

Queen’s University has devoted $3 million on the revitalization of Richardson Stadium this past year, out of a total of $20 million being spent on the project including donations. To many students this may seem like good news. For the one day a year when students like to pretend they know how Canadian football works, they can enjoy the new stadium’s many comforts. Yet to me this construction project is not just tragic, but insulting.

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