News

Positions Available: Recent graduates to act as teenagers for empty nesters

Advertisement - Contract work, Queen’s HR department looking for recently graduated Arts and Science students to act as teenagers to ease the transition for Queen’s parents into empty-nesters. This contract work will last over the span of a few months, from mid-September to mid-November. Over this period, Arts and Science graduates who have not yet found jobs will have the opportunity to make some money by comforting parents of new FROSH who have just left their precious child to the “good” care of Queen’s University.

Noah's Mom Proves to be Best Wingman on Move-In Day

Despite having unbelievably low expectations for his mother, Noah Nivel was blown away by his mother’s ability to wingman when moving into Victoria Hall on Sunday. Telling Nivel’s attractive, female floormates dope ass stories about how Nivel saved a family from a shark attack, Nivel’s mother, Ruth, was on a mission to help her son get lucky. Despite sporting a completely undeserved confidence, like most new students, Nivel was anxious about moving into residence, making good impressions on his floormates and hoping that his mother wouldn’t be a ginormous cockblock.

Frosh with Great Facebook Bio Hits it off Immediately with His Floor

Joshua J. Peterson, an incoming Queen’s Engineering frosh was worried about whether or not he would be thought of as hip and popular by his peers. We recently spoke with him in his Vic Hall residence after his first few nights at the school.

Girl Giving Out Cookies In Stauffer Library Doing It Just To Make You Feel Like An Asshole

            While many students studying in Stauffer or Douglas take refuge in knowing that shortly after their arrival they will be bombarded with various baked goods and treats, it actually turns out that many of these cookie givers have much more nefarious aims. Golden Words has the exclusive story.

The Five Stages of Exam Grief

Settle down, you pretentious PSYC 100 fucks who think you have everyone figured out because you know what the anal stage is. This isn’t your parents’ Kübler-Ross model.. That’s stupid and useless. I present to you the Squidward Model: the five stages of exam grief. It’s a new, sexy and relatable description of what it’s like to go through exams. The models goes as follows:

Denial

The Great Stoner Exodus

    In 2014, mass emigration followed the announcement of Colorado Amendment 64, and Washington Initiative 502. In an unprecedented phenomenon,  thousands of stoners moved south of the border to gain the sticky icky freedom not found in Canada. Finally being able to enjoy the devil’s lettuce without worrying about the persecution of Johnny Law.

Golden Words Will Sell Your Pets!

Have you been unfairly affected by the recent bust of the Queen’s underground online exotic animal trade on Free & For Sale?  No need to worry, Golden Words is here for all of your pet disposal needs. We now take classified ads for all of your unwanted animals, as well as ads for those looking to purchase.  Submit all posts to recruiting@isis.ca.

Check out this week’s crop of animals for sale:

Stupid Fish, $10

Queen’s Announces Inaugural Season of Varsity Facebook Messenger Basketball Team

One week ago today, our modern social fabric was forever disrupted and tossed into a state of disarray. Of course, the catalyst for this was none other than Facebook’s newest addition to their Messenger app, a hidden basketball minigame. The game, which has logged over 300 million sessions in just 7 days, has already captivated the hearts and fingers of players worldwide. Suddenly, group chats which were once sanctuaries of peace, tranquility and memes have now fallen victim to the toxic power of competitive drive.

Area Man Does Not Like Like Your Facebook Post Because He Is Broken Inside

By re-clicking the picture posted on Facebook, area man Tim Delonge retracted his “love” for his friend’s post about his recent engagement to his now fiance, turning it instead into a “like”. This decision came after hours of deliberation and minutes of angrily typing out an ironic congratulatory comment only to delete it in an act of cowardice.

“I just feel like why would you have to share that shit, y’know? Like we get it, you’re happy,” Delonge stated to us after glancing up from his carpal-tunnel-inducing Tinder sesh.

The Best Way To Meet People

In this day and age of Internet porn and Pinterest (my two most visited sites) it’s hard to physically meet anyone. I mean why would I want to leave my house when I can look at sick pics of red velvet cupcakes and watch a video of an age ambiguous anime girl get railed by a squid? (Also in my most visited site). It’s a hard sell, especially with this current Queens crowd. But I have recently come across a new form of socializing that not only is enjoyable, but also provides the physical interactions that humans have come to know and love over the past ten, twenty hundred years or so.

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