Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Jill Stein, Florida Man, #HarambeForPres2016. What do these people/things have in common you ask? They, along with 1885 other candidates, are running to be president of that country beneath our feet. America, that great concept of a country that is relevant for all the wrong reasons. (Shameless plug: USA 0 - Europe 3 in the World Cup of Hockey – suck a dick America.) If you have been living under a rock for the past year, I say congratulations for somehow surviving in an anoxic environment without breathing literally at all. You deserve all of this praise for existing as a millimeter thick being that is still capable of sharing this glorious earth with the likes of Donald Trump’s toupeé. But if you are as unfortunate as the rest of us and cannot survive under a convenient boulder, then you know ALL too well of the savage shit-storm that has become the United States presidential race. First, let me begin by saying that we here at Golden Words empathize with you completely. But whatever those feelings are that you may have about this issue, it is fucking gold and we are going to talk the shit out of it – consider yourself warned. According to our crack team of cocaine addicted stats people, approximately some of you here at this fine institution for higher learning are American (whether or not you have accepted that fact). And that’s totally okay, because while you are attending Queen’s up here in the Great White North, your degree-to-be is essentially international asylum from the terrible life decisions of ‘Murica. However, you still have to face that pressure from your friends and potential enemies back home about who you are going to vote for. And yes dear friends, you can still vote through that wonderful thing called an absentee ballot. Yeah that thing. But all that means is that you need to come up with another excuse for those drunk idiots who took one politics course and think they know the state of the world, who are constantly asking for your affiliation and which candidate looks better without a shirt on… More on them later, but for now masturbation. Everyone masterbates, just ask Ted Cruz’s college roommate, and that’s fine because it is completely 100% natural no matter how blind it makes you. (Disclaimer, if masturbating did actually make you blind I am literally somewhat sorry for the potential trigger). But what does masturbating have to do with voting, America, or literally anything political? Well remember those one-course-only experts out there? You do, good. Well wouldn’t you like to see the look on their pompous faces when you tell them that you potentially decided the future of America by masturbating? Just me? Huh… But why masturbating? Stay tuned friends, because here it comes: you can actually determine your political affiliation by the way that you masturbate! Nut-busting I know, but with this list, you will never be forced to abstain your ballot again: The Extreme Left - Social Democrats of the USA If you masturbate with your left hand and any other hand is a crime against the state, then this party is for you! Think of them as the embodiment of Communism but with a lowercase c. Under their system of government everybody masturbates but then for the rest of your life you are only allowed to masturbate for as long as the rest of the country does on average (unless you are a member of government, then you can masterbate for as long as you want). The Left - Democratic Party If you masturbate with your left hand for the most part, but have known to dabble with both hands every once and awhile, vote for Hillary. Do you like Hillary? Well too bad, because you apparently do when you masturbate. The Centre - the Blue Dog Coalition or the Republican Main Street Partnership Do you masturbate with both hands at the same time? If so, stay exactly where you are, because you are Divergent and we are coming for you. The Right - Republican Party If you masturbate with your right hand for the most part, vote for Trump. Do you agree with his racism, bigotry, ignorance, lies, and his stance on all of those things? If you even thought yes, you are a horrible human being. Do you want to vote for literally anyone except Trump? Well unless you change your masturbation habits soon, you my friend are committed. The Extreme Right - The Tea Party Do you like tea? Just kidding, because this literally has no say in whether you will be voting for them or not. If you are a right hand only purist that is 100% behind getting only your right arm jacked, then this is the party for you. Abstain - No party Do you like masturbating at all? It won’t actually make you blind, and it is a great way to release stress, tension and other bodily fluids though ideally not into your partner’s hair… If you masturbate without using hands, either because of sex toys or because you don’t have hands you can choose any party that you want. And if you really don’t have hands, I am sorry for the reminder.
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