You all know what Gatorade is. Literally everyone knows what Gatorade is. If you don’t fuck with Gato, you’re probably not living life right. I personally used to take Gatorade for granted in my life. I never utilized the life saving abilities of Gato until this morning when I drank it and it literally returned my body from the depths of hangover hell. Since this morning, I have written out a list of reasons why Gato is a better presidential candidate than the others, except maybe not Gary Johnson, he really seems to have a handle on the whole Aleppo thing.

1) Gato is way more high energy than Donald Trump. Gatorade is full of sugar and electrolytes, which is a key part of retaining water and energy when you are doing cardio and other activities like crying in your room. Gato will always be there to replenish you when you need it most.

2) There are a lot of flavours of Gato that you can drink. That means a lot of variety to have in a leader. You could make a weekly rotation of every flavour getting a day in power. Jon Remacka says that the yellow Gato is kind of the worst and in general a Hugh Mongus dick, but the great news is that Yellow G is only in power on Thursdays so we can just drink until his day is over.

3) There isn’t anything more American than dumping a big ol’ tub of Gato on an old, weird, White™ Man. This is food waste on a football field. A christening of sugar-y liquid at the gridiron, the pigskin spins delicately in the foreground of the shot. This is the campaign video of the century.

4) There are no scandals with Gato. Gato is a pure, innocent, wholesome drink, friendly for the whole family, and like maybe even Russia. It’s super cool and nonchalant, it’s fine with being open for 3 weeks on your desk, no worries. It’ll still taste mediocrely fine when the time comes for you to drink it. There was the one thing with Tiger Woods and his weird, polyamorous sex life, but like that was only one time and we learned a lot and like that’s what counts.

5) Gato has a presidential temperament and overall look. You don’t see Hil C. bombing around in the tight, form fitting wrappings of a super fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine Gato bottle. She’s a prude, and we have nothing to hide under our wrapping and especially not in our emails. Gato also fucks. That’s pretty self explanatory, and you might not believe but Gato fucks and is way more humble about it than you would expect. Because Gato definitely fucks.

For these reasons and a lot of Gato sponsorship money I’m getting, you should totally vote for Gato in your regional primaries.