With Homecoming just around the corner, I’m pretty excited to see all of the Queen’s alumni return to their school, and reminisce about how much better their lives were when they were here. For me though, the most exciting part of Homecoming is all of the sexy potential that Homecoming brings as a theme. I am a film major that dreams of being the next big pornographic filmmaker, and boy do I have ambition. Here are some of my finest pitches to date, which I hope to bring with me to LA when I make it big.

1) Homecumming: The Movie

This one was pretty straightforward to be honest. I had a dream about this one, and I felt obligated to immediately take notes right then and there in the middle of the night so that I wouldn’t forget about the brilliant artistry on display in the dream. This movie will very much be centered on the struggles of alumni, and the glory of them finally returning to Queen’s to reminisce and make sweet, sweet love.

2) Asses of Aberdeen

I hope to treat this film as an exploration of the nature of the human ass, as seen through the lens of a man-on-the-street operating on Aberdeen. The human mind is constantly explored in film, but the ass is king in pornography. I intend to explore from every angle. This film lends itself to the high energy, visceral, and slightly terrifying feeling of being surrounded by thousands of drunk students, and will be treated as a survival-horror porno as a result.

3) Hillary Clitston vs Donald Rump: The Presidential Fuckfest

In the spirit of this week’s exciting developments, I came upon this film idea through my desperate desire to do a period piece porno, or PPP. I had been searching for the perfect PPP for many years, and think this one will be terrific with the turbulent times we live in. This piece will go back and explore the troubles of students during homecoming, and examine how they reacted to the presidential fuck-fest of an election that they witnessed during October of 2016. This will also be a character piece. Character-driven pornography is difficult but should work with such relatable, down-to-earth characters. The struggles will be highly emotional and erotic, with Access Hollywood Donald struggling to restrain himself around Hillary, seducing him with her sexy pantsuits.