Science thinks it has all the answers. La-de-FUCKING-da, you discovered penicillin, insulin, and other stupid shit. Now you think you have the right to tell me how to live? Tell me what to wear, what to eat, how to eat puss puss pussy magoosey? Well guess what? YOU’RE WRONG. Science is overstepping its boundaries and should step the fuck back. They’ve invented lots of good things, don’t get me wrong, but now that they’ve progressed so far women have figured out they have the technology to tell me to “fuck off”, whatever that means. Take this example from a party this past weekend.

So I finally decide to go to this one party. Straight banger. Dimes, nickels, $2 American bills. Everyone is good looking - myself excluded obviously. There’s a beer pong table. It’s 11pm and it’s already suuuuuper messy. The mahogany is soaking in a fine veneer of beer and Snapple vodka varnish. A timbit is on the table. I consider eating it. It isn’t chocolate glazed so I think better of myself.

Anyway I’m dressed in my sweet Drake costume. I’m not half black but I’m full Jewish so that evens out into one whole Drake. I grew out my beard, I’m wearing a Value Village jacket that I’m certain someone died in and overall having a good time. There’s hi-tech all around me; lights, speakers, and modern plumbing. But what I never expected was the malevolent invention that would reshape my understanding of what progress means. I go up to a girl asking her to guess my costume. She says “a pimp?”, and I’m like “What the fuck, you’re literally ketchup, fuck you.” Guess what this girl responds with, “Fuck off.” Fuck off??? FUCK YOU. How could she be so rude to me.

Another example: I go up to a girl dressed as Thing 1 and Thing 2. Just normal clothes with a printed sheet of paper with Thing 1 and Thing 2 written in Helvetica. I mean it’s a shitty costume but at least it’s not written in Cambria. I’m ⅓ of the way through my bottle of Girls Night Out so I’m reaaaally feeling myself. I go up to them and ask if they can spit in my mouth. They say no and tell me to “Fuck Off! No seriously, or I’ll get my cousin to knock you the fuck out”. Where on earth did this technology come from? What groundbreaking research was developed to allow women to come to terms with their agency and confidence to say this. Even 10 years ago they would’ve giggled uncomfortably and told me “no thanks, maybe another time”! The government needs to stop funding technology and science and instead focus on finding the best way to have animals wear people clothes. Or making Lake Ontario warmer and more radioactive.

Technology has definitely gone too far, but specifically when it makes people say mean things to me. Why can’t we go back to when life expectancy was like 15 and math didn’t have numbers in it. Then these girls wouldn’t be so rude. Also jokes on them cuz now I can microchip their brains while they sleep to ask me politely to leave instead of to fuck off.

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