Political Experts Blame Phallic Shaped State Florida for Fucking America
At around 10pm on November 8th, 2016, liberal America’s worst nightmares began to become reality. Hillary Clinton, long favoured to win the election for 45th American President, had been flip-flopping on a lead in the state of Florida against Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Suddenly, the votes in the rural northern regions of the state were tallied up, and it became clear that Donald Trump was going to take the state of Florida. While many laid blame on the outdated electoral college system, political experts around the world were quick to denounce the phallic shape of the state of Florida for literally fucking America.
For those who are not politically inclined, or are still feeling the Bern, Florida is often seen as the deciding vote for the American presidential vote. With 29 electoral college votes, and a tendency to swing between Democrat and Republican candidates from election-to-election, Florida has great significance for presidential candidates on the campaign trail. Florida has also been labelled a ‘swing state’ due to the range of mobility of its apparently flaccid dong.
Michigan, widely regarded by political experts as “The Muff-Shaped State”, was the first to receive a hearty fucking by Florida. Due to a high voter turnout of white working class voters, the inter-state shag was entirely consensual. In a time when pundits describe America as “the most divided its ever been since the Civil War,” it’s comforting to know that two states so distinct in geography and culture and able to engage in satisfying, meaty, sex. Florida did comment, however, that Michigan was “a bit rusty” in bed.
A recent report by the Michigan Post-Coital Inquirer discovered alarming plans by President-elect Trump to detach Florida from the America’s landmass, and militarize it for international fucking. The plan, dubbed “Operation Castration Nation”, outlines the procedure for the state to float across the Atlantic Ocean and dock into the vaginally shaped portion of the Baltic Sea between Finland and Sweden. Democratic political experts theorize that the move is a plot to aid Putin in Russia’s long-standing Baltic standoff with NATO.
The Florida Keys have been symbolically described by many as America’s pre-cum. After recently renewed relations with Cuba, many advocating for normalization of the relationship between the two rivals are insulted by the fertile spray upon its territory. The Cuban ambassador recently released the following statement, “We, the Cuban people, are understanding of our political differences with America. But the line needs to be drawn between communism and cum-munism. We will not allow President-elect Trump to blow his diplomatic load all over our dear country!
Leading American urologist, Dr Chaymes Smikes, a specialist on penile anatomy, was recently called in to evaluate if Florida could be geographically declared a penile state. After an upcoming month-long cartographical journey around the state, he will declare the results of his trek. If Florida wins this designation, it will be able to finally obtain Viagara and fulfill President-elect Trump’s dream of building a throbbing seawall, at last isolating America from the inferior countries to the south.