Here’s a scenario: you’re minding your own business at a party, trying to scope out an attractive girl to get with and then suddenly, a girl you don’t find attractive tries to strike up a conversation with you! (Not that 5”4 brunettes are universally unattractive - the girl in question isn’t grotesque or disfigured, and after all, 5”4’ is the average height for a woman).

Golden Words believes this is unacceptable and outlines three principles that all insecure men should follow (note this is satire, please):

1. It’s not fair, you shouldn’t get the unsolicited attention that you give other women
We get it, women can “vote” now but choosing who they want to have relationships with? It may be the year 2016, but it’s most certainly not the year 2216. If we’ve learned anything from the election of Trump, it’s that alpha males will work through an average of 3.2 wives in their lives.

Call Golden Words traditional but we believe that men shouldn’t be subjected to the uncomfortable and unwanted attention that they subjugate women to. When a woman who’s <7/10 talks to a man, he’ll feel insecure that his perceived grandeur of sexual prowess was not as exaggerated as he had hoped and maybe he is, in fact, talking to someone in his league. What if he’s a <7/10 does he needs to settle for a <7/10? Here at Golden Words, we believe that a man’s fragile sense of sexual self-worth is more precious than a child’s laughter and it must be protected.

2. If you show her any kindness or regard, it will only reinforce her unwanted, d-hungry tendencies
You wouldn’t believe what a Movember stache does to a woman. Anatomically speaking, when a woman sees the wisps of hairs on your upper lip, it releases oxytocin in her brain. Now, you could imagine the hormonal reaction that a woman would have when those pubic lips open to tell her something. Scientists can only describe this phenomenon as “hormonal napalm”.

It’s not her fault that your 14 year old facial hair has a spell-binding, sexy magic, but the responsibility does fall onto to you. The onus is on you to make sure she doesn’t fall further into d-hungry madness–you do it is by giving her the coldest shoulder you can muster. One word answers, no eye-contact, telling her about “actually” attractive girls you’re trying to have meaningless sex with: it may come at the cost of chipping at her self-confidence but your delicate self-esteem takes precedence over being a decent human being.

3. You shouldn’t let the liberal media force “female friendships” down your throat
There is an off-chance she isn’t the d-hungry savage you thought she was, but what if she was genuinely interested in being your “friend”? Who needs friends that are girls when you have your “bois”? Only your “bois” understand you and your humour! Yeah, the “bois”! For the “bois”! Why diversify your friend group with varying, beautiful experiences?

Or maybe she’s a mediocre comedy writer who asked you to like a Facebook photo for a competition for a $50 Grocery Checkout gift card. And you wouldn’t like the photo because, you know, you didn’t want to give the “wrong signals” (as per #2). And maybe she’s holding a grudge because she lost the contest by two likes. But I don’t know, your guess is as good as ours.