Glitter. Glam. Government. It can be no surprise that as a bit of TV-snob, I’d be well versed in the instant-classic that is Dance Moms.

If, for any number of unsubstantial reasons, you haven’t seen Dance Moms I will now go into a brief description of the timeless masterpiece. Essentially, each episode follows the dance team as they prepare and perform at national dance competitions, and they fucking clean up. I’m talking 90% clean sweeps like these little tiny bitches fuck it up. You remember that time white people wanted every country to be theirs so they just took it and it like worked? Well Dance Moms is like that, but like, these small humans are just ruining the lives of other little girls all over the country, and they get a TV show. But all this aside, I don’t care what your stupid friends say, Abby Lee is the star of this show. It’s not the dancers, it’s not the moms-it’s Abby.

Abby Lee is also a fascist dictator.

Oh sure this seems like an extreme claim, but let’s have a look at a thing I found on the internet. Professor smart guy has examined the regimes of Hitler, Mussolini, Franco, Suharto, and a bunch more of bad guys regimes. He collected a list of defining fascist characteristics and so I am going to go through them, and prove to you the truth behind Abby Lee of Dance Moms.

Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights – I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a grown woman tell a crying 7 year old girl that she “doesn’t care about her and is easily replaceable”, but if you have it was probably Abby Lee on Dance Moms.

Powerful and Continuing Nationalism- Abby Lee dance studio doesn’t even watch the dances of other studios at competitions.

Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause – Moms are the enemy. In one episode I saw like two days ago Abby Lee got a little girl to betray her mom. Abby Lee asked this girl who she listened to, Abby Lee-or this girl’s mom, and she responded with “you, Abby Lee”-in front of her mom.

Supremacy of the Military –If we are talking military, Abby Lee could fucking assemble. There are thousands of girls ready to join her studio and if you’ve seen these lil girls they are ready to fight. If you can learn to touch your foot to your ear you can learn to kill a man.

Obsession with Crime and Punishment –Every episode begins with ranking every small child on this team. Abby Lee has no problem telling little girls that they are failures, that they are bad, that she is disappointed in them, and boy o boy she has no problem cutting them from the studio. If you start at the bottom of the pyramid that week, you also don’t get a solo, and these bitches are thirsty for solos.

Rampant Cronyism and Corruption- I think the very best part of Abby Lee’s fascist regime, is the corruption. Even before the feds got involved, Abby Lee had no compassion or sense of equality. Maddie Ziegler the best dancer on the team and was treated like a demi-god. She got extra time with Abby, the best costumes, the best choreography and a fucking solo every week. But oh baby does it not end there. In 2015 Abby Lee was indicted with bankruptcy fraud, concealment of bankruptcy assets and false bankruptcy declarations in hiding some $755,000. If found guilty she could face a fine of $250,000 for each of the 20 counts she was indicted on and five years in prison.

So don’t tell me Dance Moms isn’t a gangster show, and don’t tell me fascism isn’t glam.

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