SOME MODERN DATING TIPS FROM HISTORY’S ORIGINAL LOVER
The winter is upon us, and with it, the annual rush for a bae to call your own before Valentine’s Day. Known as all sorts of things across the globe: cuffing season, dating, courting, arranged marriage, Russian mail-order brides. You name it. As Wise and Cultured™ Queen’s students, we all know that history offers an extensive amount of learning material. Obviously most of history has things that you really reeeeeeally shouldn’t do, but there’s also some good bits of advice for us “alivies”. So, for your benefit, and pleasure, we’ve printed five of Publius Ovidius Naso’s best dating tips, because who better to learn from than the author of the Art of Love himself.
1. Nothing is sexier than a sensitive man. Stir her soul—and her loins—by summoning the best tear-filled wail you can. Lament the extent of your love for her and she’ll be so aroused she’ll hop on that faster than you can blink away your tears. Can’t get past a snivel? Just rub your eyes, pinch your cheeks, or keep some saline eye solution handy—the effect will be the same. Whether it’s because you’re overcome by emotion or because you’re disgusted by how much your lover looks like your sibling, the fact of the matter is that you still got some.
2. Date night! Bring your girl to a hockey game. Like a good gentleman, buy her some arena chow. You can tell her all about the sport and how you used to play it before you “tweaked your knee back in ‘92.” Even if you don’t know how to play hockey, who cares? Make things up. The stick man needs to make sure that he’s always skating forwards or else the referee takes his left skate! Even if she takes out her phone to verify your ludicrous claim, you’ll at least get a minute or two of a girl finally thinking you get sports.
3. Take an interest in bae’s hobbies! Whatever she likes, you like. Lose your sense of self! In doing so, you can finally appreciate her for who she is, and then nail her.
4. Promise her the moon—that moonlight will lead the way straight to her bed. Also you can literally buy stars super cheap and it’s romantic as fuck.
5. If you’re rich then you can probably buy happiness so forget about what I just wrote.