Citing a lack of protein in cafeteria meals, Queen’s Hospitality services announced it will begin intentionally placing hair in all dishes served at Leonard Hall. Previous policy was to simply not remove hair that fell into food. Student will now be expected donate small amounts of hair upon entering Leonard to meet demand. Queen’s Hospitality Services has reportedly been contacting local hair salons for donations.

“This seems like an obvious change, students are just walking into the cafeteria with perfectly good protein on their shoulders”, said one Hospitality Services executive told Golden Words. “I know the chefs are going to love experimenting with this new ingredient, they’ve been getting bored of the usual plastic cheese, stale buns and uncooked pasta. I personally can’t wait to see what they create, I’ve heard some of the chefs are trying hair in the beefless beef pasta sauce, others are experimenting with hair and pineapple pizza, I’ve heard the most adventurous chefs were making hair döner.”

When asked about the new policy, Queen’s student and two-days-a-week powerlifter Anthony Campbell applauded Queen’s Hospitality Services for their bold thinking: “Sometimes I feel like the 200 grams of protein powder that I take daily just isn’t enough for my rigorous gym routine, I’ve been trying to think of new ways to get more protein into my system for a while, so eating hair seems like a no-brainer”. When asked if there was any bodily substances that he wouldn’t like in his cafeteria food, Campbell insisted “anything for the gainz, bro. I’ve tried it all, this is way less salty than my other ideas”. I think

Originally unsure of the cafeteria’s latest cookup, third year biology student and 10 meal a week meal plan owner Sean Liu commented “I’m not sure you can digest human hair, but then again I’m not sure you can digest caf food either so I’m not sure how big of an adjustment it’s going to be. Some of my housemates already make fun of me for having a meal plan, they say I’m paying money to eat garbage but that clearly isn’t true. I’m paying for more than the food, I’m also paying for the chair and the table, I can’t get either of those at home”.

More skeptical cafeteria goers were offered a blind taste test to restore their confidence in the cafeteria. The test reportedly consisted several new dishes with hair intentionally added and their old counterparts, with the hair “unintentionally” added.