We’ve all been ‘there’–It’s 12:15 pm on a Wednesday and you’re rushing to class like you’re about to ejaculate in your pants, except this time you actually are. According to Consumer Health Digest, approximately 83% of all men will experience a nocturnal emission in their lives. But what people don’t know is that men also suffer diurnal emissions–wet daydreams. While there are no hard statistics, there is a soft estimate that 16% of men suffer from it. As a man who may or may not have straight up ejaculated while writing a War and Ethnic Conflict exam, I feel qualified to tell you how I’ve cum to help myself mitigate my diurnal emission rate to once a month.

Drain The Secondary Vein the Night Before
Ok this one is a bit sciency so hang tight. I’ve found with extensive research that if I “do the deed” the night before an important day (or just every night ever), I’m less likely to have an accident that day. Now keep in mind, before I used this technique I was going like 5 times a week but after this I was down to 4. Not bad.

ALWAYS Cum Prepared
Diurnal emissions always happen at the worst times: In line at cogro, attending your 70 year-old professor’s office hours, and even at the urinals next to all your buddies. So it’s wise to take precautions. Pack your boxers full of tissues so that if the volcano erupts, you can catch the mess. The most effective method I’ve found is wearing a condom 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I usually just roam Rez halls and grab all the condoms I can from some Dons’ doors. This way, there’s minimal cleanup AND if you ever get romantically involved with a woman (like that ever happens), you’ll be super prepared. I’d imagine she’d be impressed.

Make Sure You Have An Out
Now usually when lady unluck strikes my pants, I have to duck out and deal with it. So make sure you have a way to get out of any situation. My classic move is to just go to the bathroom. Now keep in mind everyone in the lecture will be onto you, so while you’re awkwardly sliding past them, make sure to let them know what you’re REALLY up to. Something like: “Haha gotta take this phone call”, “Whoops, forgot to take my zoloft” and even, “I have to clean up the semen and sperm in my pants brb”. They’ll never suspect a thing.

Just Straight Up Get Prostate Surgery

Enjoy Your Life as a New Man

Now that you’re 6 months post-op you should be good to go, and only be emitting once a month. There, that’s it. I hope you follow my advice because it is guaranteed to work. I mean, your prostate is the size of a grape and you have the virility of an office chair, but it’s worth it right?

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