Missing Persons Notice: Justin Trudeau
Dear readers, in this time of political instability it is my unfortunate burden to add only more tinder on the already burning pyre. As most Canadians are aware, our current Prime Minister is none other than the frat lord himself, Justin Trudeau. But what most people might not know is that our fearless leader is hiding a special talent, the likes of which have never been seen before. Some of you may have seen evidence of this ability before: deep in the annals of Youtube if one is true enough, they can find glorious proof of our Prime Minister’s true power.
In his training to become the Canadian ideal, he learned the party trick to end all party tricks–training himself for years he eventually learned how to overcome any flight of stairs (half-landing to winding stair). The average reader may be shocked, but Justin Trudeau possesses the ability to fall down any flight of stairs and emerge on the other end unscathed.
You may be curious then as to why this fact would be reason for despair rather than triumph: in a horrific freak accident involving a flight of stairs, the royal mounted police lost our Prime Minister. While making a visit to France recently, our Prime Minister decided to make a quick jaunt over to the Alps mountain range as he was beginning to bore. Travelling with an accompaniment of Mounties as well a group of French political representatives, Trudeau began his ascent up the mountain range in earnest. Unfortunately like the greatest among us, Justin Trudeau maintains a penchant to show off.
While hiking up one of the larger mountains in the Alps Trudeau was presented with a flight of stairs, however this was not any normal flight of stairs. This was the flight of stairs to end all flights of stairs; a magnificent winding stone-clad son of a bitch that worked its way all the way down the mountain. Trudeau could barely contain himself, finally a true test of his ability. Without any warning the Prime Minister of Canada began falling down this flight of stairs as the Mounties looked on with exasperation, this being the fifth time during this trip something like this had happened. Though to their horror the Prime Minister’s speed began to increase as his beautiful body bounced and rolled down the unforgiving stone. Before too long Trudeau’s speed had increased so dramatically that he looked to be nothing more than a blazing speed trail, and before too long everyone present had completely lost sight of him. Following the flight of stairs down to its base with the hope of discovering the whereabouts of the Prime Minister. Instead, all that was found at the base of the stairs was some kind of ramp. Later, as physicists studied the scene, hoping that through the power of physics they could discern the landing point of the Prime Minister.
To the collective despair of the nation, the physicists discovered that Trudeau may have reached the necessary speed on the stairs to reach escape velocity upon contact with the ramp. The loss of our prime minister is a serious blow to the nation of Canada; all we can do is to hope that he will eventually touch down somewhere, and that his burning desire to fall down flights of stairs has cooled with the shock of this debacle. If anyone has any news about the whereabouts of our Prime Minister they are urged to send information to Ottawa as soon as possible.