Hey cutie, Valentine’s Day got you down? Feel like there’s an impenetrable wall around your heart? Being alone feels badmon. If you don’t have a bae this Valentine’s day, or they’re just straight up not allowed to enter the country anymore, we’ve got you your back. No cuckservatives, no whiny libtards, and definitely no betas here - only the realest, purest, waspiest wasps we could find at the bottom of the swamp. Here are 7 alt right machismo men that will deport your wintertime blues back Islamastan.

Steve Bannon

SJW crybabies may tell you that he is a gross fat piece of shit, but we’re here to present you with the alternative facts. We know why Donald J. Trump put him on the National Security Council - wouldn’t we all like to see him in briefs. This is a guy that puts the white back in the White House - He’s a real peeper in the streets, but a real grim reaper in the sheets. Just ask Kellyanne Conway - he left her Bowling Green sopping wet.

Richard Spencer

With a beach bod this sexy, we’d also be flaunting our white nationalist pride! Punching a face this perfect should be a crime. Though he might have made waves by hailing Trump we all know his hands not the only thing we want to see him get up. With an ivory pale complexion that clear, Richard Spencer is showing that the only tan you need is from the computer screen in your mom’s basement.

Pepe the Frog

Damn Daniel, back at again with the white mans! While he might be a hate symbol, you’ll get nothing but love from this green slippery son of a gun. Pepe the Frog is like a granny smith apple - green on the outside, white as cake pops, snowflakes and pumpkin spice lattes on the inside, and you’re most likely to associate this with octogenarians in West Virginia. He might be classified as a hate symbol, but once he gets his slimy hands all over you, you’ll realize why he’s also classified as a sex symbol. Move over Shrek, there’s a new green hunk in town.

Milo Yiannopoulos

Let’s be real: we all hated Ghostbusters as much as this blond bombshell. This hunk is made out of pure, unadulterated, white boyfriend material. Interests include long walks on the beach, being barraged by flaming garbage, and cyberbullying celebrities. The only reason I’d protest asking him to leave my campus is to get a look of that ass as he walks away.

The guy that wrote “I love Hitler” on the side of my house

We don’t actually know who did this, but he’s clearly literate and not afraid to express himself, which is more than we can say the rest of this movement.

My Dad

Nobody likes talking about politics with their Dad, but you’ll make an exception about listening to his Peruvian 9/11 conspiracy theories for this cutie. Whether he’s driving you to baseball practice in his minivan, or teaching you how to cut holes in your bed sheets to make a cool mask, this is one studmuffin that you want to settle down.He takes the erect out of political correctness, but don’t worry, he’s got a pill for that. If you’re anything like my Dad’s Columbian undergraduate intern, you’d do anything to be his cuckhold for a night.

You, the reader!

You’ve read this far, so clearly we’ve struck a chord with you. Let’s appeal to your vanity and make this about you babe. We’ve seen you trolling through 4chan boards, and your meninist twitter account mansplaining that “um actually, all lives matter”. I’d love to take you to dinner and hear your unabridged thoughts on Atlas Shrugged, Fountainhead, and Mein Kampf, followed by 6 minutes of missionary and 40 minutes of crying. This Valentine’s day, hit me up. I’m really lonely.