Aries

Your red hot, sexual rampage will come to a grinding halt when a gypsy will put a curse rendering you sexually impotent. Why you ask? She did this on behalf of all of your vengeful ex lovers and you’re about to learn some wholesome life lessons. This month, look into community service and anti-hexes to reverse the curse. Also, you’ll fall in love with a platonic mundane looking friend after seeing them for who they actually are

Taurus

You’re not feeling yourself right now. You’ve gained 35 lbs, you’ve developed a lazy eye in right eye and you swear that you’re balding on the right side of your head. Your friends’ success implicitly remind you that you don’t do that well in school and your own interests aren’t even that interesting. You look in the mirror and feel a dull numbing pain realizing that this wasn’t the adult you wanted to grow up to be when you were young.

So, we don’t know, maybe download Tinder.

Gemini

You’re a person of secrets and secrets always - in every circumstance - add an element of sexual allure. However, one of your numerous dark secrets is that you have a small anatomically correct face emerging out of your armpit. The many doctors you’ve consulted have speculated that this face was from your stillborn twin who merged into your body while you were in the room. But why does it whisper threats to you at night if it was stillborn?

Cancer

There will be a man named Ron who will sweep you off your feet, regardless of your sexual orientation. Meet him at the top of Table Mountain in Cape Town, South Africa. It’s pricey, what it’s worth the price tag for love. Do be prepared for everyone born under the Cancer to be there. Because everyone born from June whatever to whatever will now be in a polygamous relationship with this one man named Ron. Ron is very sweet and totally worth sharing with thousands and thousands of other people.

Leo

If we’ve learned anything from Gary Marshall’s masterpiece Valentine’s Day, Valentine’s Day is the single most important day of the year and if you spend it alone, your face will melt off your skeleton. If you don’t have a special somebody to share your day with, buy the expensive roses and chocolates in bulk now to make you can make the right impression on your to-be partner. Compatibility means nothing if you can simply buy a grand gesture.

Virgo

Instead of recommending actual advice pertaining to love, we’re going to give you some Super Smash Brothers advice. Who needs love when you have the fabulous escapisms of Super Smash Bros? Who needs human connection when you have a computer algorithm to play with? Exactly, this week, look into playing as Luigi if you’re up for risks and have a sense of adventure.

Libra

This week, you’ll be put in a position where you have to choose who lives and who dies. The choice is actually much simpler than it needs to be. Just kill whoever is least attractive. Boom, simple, done. Don’t think too much about their family of the person you just killed because their family is probably ugly too if they’re related.

Scorpio

The love of your life is actually living life two years ahead of you and you can only share correspondences via letters through a lake house's mailbox in Wisconsin. You will leave detailed messages and proclamations of love to your partner. Through these letters, you will fall deeply in love through the tender words you exchange. He’s an architect and you’re a doctor. You’re also both white. Over the course of the 105 minutes, you will eventually meet somehow through an intricate plot device and finally be together.

Sagittarius

Turns out that your parents isn’t actually your parents and they have fallen in romantic love with you raising you as their own. That’s right, it’s exactly like that thing that happened between Woody Allen and his daughter and you’re the Soon-Yi and there are two Woody Allens.

Capricorn

Fibre. Yep. That’s right, the answer to your love is fibre. Who would have thought! Once you made your inner digestive tract happy, both your metaphorical and anatomical heart will be happy. 3 out of 4 Victoria’s Secret Models swear by fibre for their love lives. You can get your fibre fix with All-Bran Fibre Cereal, available at a supermarket or store near you. This horoscope is brought to you by Kellogg's.

Aquarius

You will actually meet your significant other through the lesser known avenue of Wife Swap. With a dash of serendipity and a sprinkle of television magic, the two of you will finally meet in the staged TLC show. On camera, you can cut the sexual tension between you with a knife but can it work out? You’re the husband to an Amish wife with four children and she’s a big city accountant who’s married with kids to an amatuer director. Can you leave your respected lives to be with one another? Whatever the answer to that question is, it’s Nielson ratings will be the producer’s wet dream.

Pisces

Man, you’re already great. You’re already a catch and any person would be lucky to be able to call you their significant other. Just don’t agree to date anyone outside of your religion - we don’t want any of that pesky “intermarriage” right? Keep your superior, chosen genes to yourself.