It’s the big day, that one night of the year when all those couples break out of their midwinter slumps and start going at it like a pack of horny gazelles. All your friends seem to be in relationships (except for Derrick, lol), and you’re still looking for love. Well, not looking- you’ve got someone in mind. She’s perfect: long blonde hair, has good handwriting, can see out of both eyes- really just top notch stuff. Or if you’re a girl, he’s got a nice butt and stuff (I don’t know, might as well pander to both sides). Anyways, they’ve got curves in all the wrong places and you’re sitting there slack jawed (jaw = very slacked), with absolutely no clue how to hit it and quit it for the big day. Call me Cupid because I’m about to shoot an arrow into somebody. Besides that, I can also help with the love stuff.

The best way to gain their adoration is by either a grand gesture (something that’ll really get their attention, like riding your bicycle into them) or sending something from the heart. I’m not much for the whole grand gesture thing, it’s bad for my anxiety, but I can sure help with the anonymous gift stuff! So what to send? Something that says “I’m always watching you, no matter how hard you try, you can never escape.” Let’s jump right in!

A dead pigeon:

This is some classic love story stuff right here. There never was a prince charming that didn’t woo his princess without an offering of a bird carcass. The rotting flesh is an obvious aphrodisiac, and the bent feathers can be used for all sorts of things ;) Don’t focus too much on the size or species, but the more dead, the better. Nothing says “I spend hours looking at you” than the classic dead pigeon.

Their toenail clippings:

So many people ask me, “How do I really emphasize my love for them as individuals?” This is the obvious choice. Not only does it remind them of their own mortality, but old toenail clippings that they threw out in the garbage three months ago but you happened to find at a local dump this past weekend by happenstance truly symbolizes your undying commitment to them. Make sure you send it along with a letter written in your blood to represent the connection of your souls.

A picture of their parents soaked in cat urine:

This is an opportunity to show that you’re a family man! If you see a future with this special someone, you’ve got to look a bit into the future: meeting the future in-laws. When your crush sends a panicked text of this gift to their mom and dad with the caption “please help, why is this happening,” you’ll have left a lasting first impression.

A little bit of your pinky finger:

There’s no better way to show your invested in a lifelong relationship than putting som “skin in the game”, and that’s just what this present is. Not only will they gain your natural scent, but also a level of respect for your courage and pain resistance. This is definitely a more powerful show of affection but you can only send this one 4 times, tops.

A cute Valentine’s Day Card:

This card should include their home address, date of birth, driver’s license, immunization record, SIN number, favourite Studio Ghibli film, number of cousins, number of dead grandparents, number of alive grandparents, soft drink preference, times they’ve showered in the past week, workout playlist, and, of course, the name of the restaurant you’re going to take them to on Valentine's Day!

Happy hunting!

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