Grab a bottle of lotion, a fistful of Kleenex® and let me whisk you away for the next 2 minutes of your morous moronic existence as you read this ‘article’. I have sex every day ever. That is a fact. Sometimes i’ll even have sex two times in a day. With whom you ask? Lela, Shyla, Shy, Alexis, Addison, Mark (once), Kyla, Teresa, Fido (once), Christina and the list keeps going. Sometimes people get worried that i’ll get sexually transmitted diseases and so am I, but I always use protection - private browsing. But what people were really grilling me about is that i’m not ‘actually having sex’ or I don’t form ‘real relationships’ and to those people I say: please stop saying those things!

What is sex? This question has been plaguing the human experience since Oedipus made an ‘oopsie’. But at its #core, sex is when a dude gets off and that’s it. I mean, I’ve never ‘been with a woman’ (what does that even mean?) but I could imagine it’s just like jerking off but behind a sheet instead of a screen. I think the scariest part about having ‘relations with another person’ would be that you would have to open up to this person and have them see me at my most vulnerable. So that’s why I stick to the sticky.

Another annoying thing is that people say i’ve never been in a real relationship because these woman are in the internet. But that’s not true! Sure I don’t go on first dates with these barbie doll pornstars but whenever I find a new gal that tickles my fancy (my fancy is my dick) I make sure I get all the info that someone could get from a first date. I’ll find them on Twitter, read their Wikipedia page and really try to find out anything and everything I can so that we form an emotional connection. Snapchat is great too because that one feels like they’re actually talking to you. How much info do you really learn on a first date? Place of birth? Height? Breast size? I guarantee that you can find all that info on Wikipedia and their Bio section on your porn site of choice.

I guess the worst part about my sex life is that every time I ‘do it’ it’s a booty call. Just once it would be nice to have a pornstar look ME up online and ask me to crank down, sigh, but unfortunately we don’t all live in Israel. Man, Israel is so ahead of it’s time. People always complain about booty calls but I find it pretty easy cause there are like, a ton of vids online. Once my friend got a text at 2:30 in the morning asking to ‘hook-up’ (what does that even mean?) and he was sleeping by the time the text was sent! What a shame! My booty calls can be any time of the day, any day of the LIFE… As long as I have internet access that is.

So the moral of this long rambling mess is that I’m a better person than you because I have had sex more times. I’m sorry you had to find out this way but honestly you should stop trying to match my numbers cause you never will. I’ve been having sex everyday since I was 12 and now I’m 20 so 365*8 ~ 3000. Ya that’s right, I’ve had sex three thousand times. Beat that Dan Blizerian or Hugh Hefner or my dad. Oh that’s right? They can’t.

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