Okay Ladies and Gentlemen who are so alone it hurts sometimes, I am here to help. I’m sure you’ve read all sorts of articles about what to wear, how to style the rat’s nest that is your hair and all sorts of tips and tricks to finally, maybe for once, have a date on the biggest, most important holiday of the year. Obviously this is not working because you are single as shit, or there is something fundamentally wrong with you. I’ve got some new shit for you though. I’m going to briefly bring your attention to your most overlooked appendages. You may not have noticed those bare fingernails since they’re typically covered in Dorito dust and chocolate sauce, you piece of shit, but they are your key to giving off the right vibes to everyone in the bar. These are the people you want to especially impress because they have the added bonus of being of age. As well, maybe you’ll finally have someone to pose with for your V day insta and tell your parents so they get off your fucking back. Like, calm down, I’ll find someone to pay the dowry eventually.

First off you can break out the black nail polish you have at the back of your closet from your days of trying to show the people on your res floor how edgy and alternative you are and how unlike other girls you are. Going in the opposite direction we’ve got the white nail polish you haven’t used since turning the 8 into a 6 on your fake ID so you could get into Fluid. Even though it was too white, clumpy and scratched, somehow it always worked for you.

Up next on the list is the maroon nail polish you use on the reg so that everyone knows how trendy and privileged you are. It’s important to set yourself apart from all the other Privileged Queen’s Student’sTM. After seeing that colour on your perfectly rounded nails, people instantly know you have a $99 tapestry from Urban Outfitters hung up in your foyer next to your elephant statue to show people how worldly you are. It’s a kind of class that some people can’t ever hope to reach.

If you want to show people in the bar how fun you are without changing your hair colour, just throw it back to your seventh grade days and add some rainbow shit on your nails. Multi-coloured nails are making a big comeback. Trust me. Last-ditch ideas include writing your number on your nails so that even when you’re black out drunk you won’t miss out on any opportunities. Hopefully, if you aren’t missing any, you even have just the right amount of digits for your digits.

If for some reason this doesn’t work (What?? How??) then maybe you’ll have to rely on some of these kick ass conversation starters I just thought of. The key to beginning a solid conversation is to think about your goal beforehand. Are you trying to show them how fun you are? Intelligent? Flexible? It’s very important.

If it’s for intelligence, just memorize one newspaper article, preferably Golden Words, perhaps even this one, to spew some bullshit at them to impress their small minds. If somehow they actually know something about the subject, run as fast as you can in your five inch heels. Or, pretend you don’t speak English.

Ok tbh that was my only idea, conversation isn’t important in a relationship anyways. If you want to show them how flexible you are just pull out your ipad and show them those professionally done photos you have of yourself in your sequinned dance costume doing the splits when you were seven.