Saving Private Ryan. Toy Story 3. Pooty Tang. Over the past 3 months I’ve reviewed critically acclaimed films that have impacted entire generations–movies that have defined the morals of our society as a whole. After a few weed-filled nights of looking past the lights and cameras, diving deep into the inner psyche of cinema, I’ve decided to extend my expertise from the silver screen to the smartphone screen. Today, I review a late night booty call:

Act 1: The “Tinder Surprise”

It’s quite a struggle finding the right person on tinder. I want someone who shares my values: likes cuddling, wants three children, enjoys the occasional A&W flavoured poptart (actually a thing, I bought a pack in Buffalo, it’s got a carbonated aftertaste which is ridonkulous). That mixture of qualities can be pretty tough to find. Swiping away all the women looking for true love, it took thirty seconds to find a past love of mine. She was everything you could want and more: alive, female, interested in men. We had dated once, so who’s to say love couldn’t find a second chance? I messaged her.

Me: ASL?
Me: Wanna meet up?
Her: ew
Me: Address?
Her: Meet at the Burger King on Princess

Act 2: The Romantic Endeavour

We met up at the gastro-pub later that night, close to the wee hours of the morning. She got the chicken fries, I had the whopper. We sat in silence.
“DTF?” I asked.
She shrugged.
It was on.

Act 3: A Night I’ll Never Forget.

We got really drunk so I kinda forgot what happened.

Act 4: The Morning After

The next day I woke up snug on my common room couch with an empty mickey of vodka on my belly and a sense of satisfaction in my heart. Sometimes we do things that may sway our moral compass, but in the end we learn so much about ourselves, relationships, and the way the world works. Sometimes life gets you down and you just need to change your perspective to change your life.

Overall: 2 out of 5 stars. I had that whole existential realization but the sex was just ok.