Interpreting dreams is a practice as old as people have been having them. While it can be difficult to understand what it means when you dream about your best friend’s mom twerking on your face, fortune tellers and mediums find ways to help you make sense of your weird hormone-driven fantasies and get through puberty without feeling too ashamed afterwards. Totally not speaking from experience. Another societal phenomenon that is almost as relevant to the development of modern human psychology has been the domestication of cats because they’re cute and furry and lit af. These two essential components of society have ignited my passion for interpreting cats that people find in their dreams. While I have no idea if any of the following is true, I hope that it may help you find solace in the confusing realm of cats you find in your dreams.

Black cat - Something bad is going to happen soon. Keep your eyes open, look three times before crossing the street, and refrain from dangerous activities like talking to strangers or smoking marijuana. Bad juju fam.

Sphynx cat - You are disgusted by ugly creatures. Make sure to remind your friends to treat you like the pharaoh you are! Invest in plastic surgery and stay away from untouchables.

Tabby cat - Look out, someone is trying to steal your soul! Be wary of ringwraiths, dementors and gingers.

Sagwa the Chinese Siamese Cat - Stop watching TVOkids you weirdo.

Persian cat - You have a promising future in selling this gorgeous rug for only 200 pesos. Buy now before they’re sold out!

Burmese cat - This cat species, like it’s python cousin, is especially deadly and is to be respected at all times. If you see one of these in your dreams then throw a mouse and run in the other direction.

LaPerm cat - The love of your life will speak to you today, so keep your ears open. Make sure to message everyone that talks to you today! It could be any one of the people who spoke to you, so make sure to ask that hot prof what’s crackalackin and that they looked absolutely tantalizing today. Trust me, works every time ;)

Nyan cat - Time to retire your 2011 memes bro, we’ve moved onto rearranging hollywood signs and “she was his queen” and I really think it’s important that you keep up.

Honestly bro, that’s really embarrassing and you probably shouldn’t tell anybody about that dream.

Russian Blue cat - You will find fame and fortune in the ballet industry, but only if you are tenacious enough to take the leap and take ballet lessons. Believe in yourself and let your friends support you!

Pussy cat - If you are a girl, you will have an epiphany and become a nun at the local convent. If you are a guy, you will become a male stripper.

Penis cat - You’ll know what this one looks like when you see it. If you are a guy you will become a priest. If you are a girl then you can text me at (613) PLZ-SEND ext.NUDES

American Shorthair cat - You would look really cute with shorter hair! Maybe even better with no hair! Don’t be afraid to take risks and express yourself :D

That’s about all I’ve got for today. Make sure to tune in next week, when we discuss 6 different ways to sleep 8 hours in 4 hours. You won’t believe number 3, chapter 8, subsection c!

Wisdom of the day: Don’t do school and stay in drugs

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