Canada’s a decent country. Everyone can vote, our leader’s not totally insane and our ski hills are superb. But let’s be honest, when it comes to honouring great Canadians we’re about as effective as an inflatable dartboard. And I tell you this practice is shameful. Take, for example, Kiefer Sutherland, a man who is not only a great Canadian actor but is also the only person in history who can pull off a mullet. And what have we done for him? Not a thing! Not a statue, not a school named after him, not so much as a commemorative park bench! But nowhere is this oversight more apparent than with Canada’s greatest artist, Gordon Korman. The young boy from Thornhill who became literally the best human being to ever live.

Gordon Korman, in addition to being the award-winning, New York Times Bestselling author of over eighty books for children and young adults is the only Canadian author since Robert Service and Lucy Maud Montgomery who won’t consistently depress the shit out of you. All the other Canadian authors can write about is mistreatment of first nations (anything by Tom King), mistreatment of women (anything by Margaret Atwood), mistreatment of black people (The Book of Negroes), people being stranded at sea (Life of Pi), a young woman and a little boy being trapped in an underground “room” by a rapist (Room) and old ladies dying and treating their sons badly (The Stone Angel). Some might argue the Robert Munsch is not depressing, I would submit that those people have not read Love You Forever, a horrifying story in which a woman drives across town in the night, climbs a ladder into her grown-ass thirty-five-year-old son’s room and rocks him in his sleep. It is also set in some kind of twisted time warp in which this guy’s entire lifetime seems to take place in the late 1980s. It’s fucked up.

There is only one thing that can save Canadian literature from its own depressing ass self and that’s Gordon Korman. Gordon Korman writes exciting, adventurous stories that are not only rich in plot and humour, but also populated by deep, compelling characters whose exploits both delight and excite the reader. Gordon Korman has personified the hardworking Canadian spirit for forty years.

Do you know how much you have to write to publish eighty books in forty years, eight years of which you were also a full time student (that’s right, Gordon Korman published his first book in grade nine). He is also a favourite of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau who described Korman’s first book This Can’t Be Happening at Macdonald Hall as: ";a wonderfully funny story that appeals to the adolescent in all of us"; and as the book that awoke his interest in reading. And yet, despite Korman’s great contributions to this nation, we have done nothing to honour him. The American Library Association has done more for Gordon Korman than we have and that, my friend, is shameful! What we need is a courtesy fund in the annual budget of no less than 25 billion dollars for Gordon Korman, to make amends for our horrible, ungrateful mistreatment of him over these past forty years. Who cares about the oil sands? What the fuck do we need education for? This is important people! Gordon Korman has a right to at least 25 billion dollars a year in recognition of his great service to Canada. Either that or a week’s worth of national holidays in his name.

What the hell else are you gonna do with all that carbon tax money?