Hey there. Are you sitting down? You should be. Okay are you sitting down? Get up, that’s disgusting. Get ahold of yourself.

Welcome back to Golden Words! I know you missed it. I mean look at yourself - you look horrific. That trip to somewhere sunny did you no favours. It’s nice that you can bundle up and hide it though. In any case, I know that you’ve been waiting to read my words and follow them to a key. So, with that in mind:

- STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
- BUY MY NEW FANTASY ALIEN EROTICA ON AMAZON BOOKS OR GOOGLE PLAY BOOKS
- YVON EHT NIOJ
- LISTEN TO MY PODCAST ABOUT FANTASY ALIEN EROTICA
- TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU LOVE THEM
- CONSUME 2000ius OF VITAMIN D3 TO IMPROVE COLON HEALTH
- CHECK MY SOUNDCLOUD ABOUT FANTASY ALIEN EROTICA
- Ensure that you invest in a TFSA shortly after graduating as it offers interesting investment opportunities for high income earners, those nearing retirement as well as seniors.

Trust me on these, you’ll thank yourself later. Now that that is through, I should probably get to some real substance. Enough stalling. I’ve had a lot of time to think about things I have opinions on. Specifically New Year’s resolutions.

Every year people sit around their dinner table in late December. In an attempt to get conversation, Mom asks what everyone’s New Year’s resolution. So, one by one everyone says their resolutions. My father says he wants to clean up his office, my brother says he wants to play more basketball at university, and my mother finally says she wants to taste human flesh. Everyone has a different little part of them to improve on, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I suppose my biggest problem is that no one actually cares about it.

Look, when you say you’re gonna brush your teeth at night for the third year in a row and still don’t do it, don’t preach any of this ‘holier than thou’ bullshit. Same goes about finally losing your virginity. Sorry my friend, only your mom thinks you’re good looking, and she’s just saying it to be nice. So now that you’re back at Queen’s, with expectations of better academic, social, and personal resolutions, maybe think about how you’re actually going to settle back into mediocrity.

Hell, at least I’m at peace with it - by the time I go to bed it’s just so fucking late to brush my teeth.

So enjoy your read, we’ve got some really funny stuff, and some not so funny stuff too! Yours to decide. It’s been a slow day, okay?

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