Golden Words Guide to Writing a Resume
As we at Queen’s enter our second semester of the year, we naturally enter crunch time for the summer job hunt. Enter January; when everybody suddenly cares about having something to do for their summer break. Fear not, ye desperate labourers – Golden Words has a guide that will change your fortunes for the better. Follow the guidelines below for many helpful tips on creating the best resume ever!
Step 1: Anticipate interview questions
The most important part of making a good resume is to never lose sight of what your potential employers want. Making life easy for your interviewer will make your life easier overall. Frame your resume as if it is answering questions you would expect to be asked. For example, you could write about your greatest weaknesses, since this is a likely interview question. Below are some examples:
- I never get up before 10am, so that I can avoid a crippling coffee addiction
- I never flush the toilet, because I am an environmentalist
- I am afraid of commitment, which is why I never try and seduce co-workers
- I can only bench press 15lbs, so I will never be a threat even if I go crazy
Notice the positive spin that is placed on each one of the weaknesses that are highlighted in this section. Always make sure that your weakness can also be a perceived strength.
Step 2: Lie, lie, lie
The thing about employers is that they can only do so much fact checking. They have many candidates to get through, and you want to be the one who stands out. You should be willing to say anything you have to in order to get the job. Below is an example of two skill lists, one of which is real.
Skill list #1:
- Good at communicating
- Works well with others
- Pays attention to detail
Skill list #2:
- Once saved three children from a burning building
- Have an IQ of 300
- Can launch a 90kg projectile over 300m
Ask yourself which of these two skill lists is more impressive: Have you ever saved three children from a burning building? Keep in mind that once they have hired you, you can always come clean if it eases your guilty conscience. Just like you cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime, you also cannot be fired for telling your employer you lied on your resume.
Step 3: Attach a sample of your urine with every resume
It is very important that you show no fear in the application process. By providing a sample of your urine, you are displaying to potential employers your immense confidence Note: if you do drugs regularly, it is perfectly acceptable to use somebody else’s urine.
Step 4: Provide relevant medical information
Relevant medical information can include “Beep Test” results, sperm count, blood type, emergency contacts, allergies, and how much you can squat. It is important that employers see you in all your natural glory. They should know if you are a excellent specimen. Note: if you are not much of a specimen, refer to step #2
Step 5: Send nudes
No explanation necessary
Step 6: Stalk your potential interviewer to acquire all necessary information.
While waiting in the bushes outside his house, notice how he seems to have a woman over who is clearly not his wife – which you can see, because you saw his wife taking the kids to school earlier that day. Blackmail the interviewer with this information to get him to hire you. When he threatens to call the police, reach for his hand, and look sensually into his eyes. Seduce the interviewer with a caressing touch with your spindly little arms that can’t even bench press 15lbs. The next morning, make the interviewer breakfast and broach the issue once again. If the interviewer still does not agree to hire you, you probably aren’t qualified for the job anyway.
Step 7: Formatting
Acceptable formatting is 12 pt. font Times New Roman, Single Spaced. Double sided pages are acceptable if you are making a statement about the environment.