Listen, this day in age everyone is very health-conscious. You’ve got people who are runners, people who get flu vaccinations every year, people who go to the gym, and god forbid: (in a harsh whisper) vegans… Now there are constantly epidemics on the rise that threaten the lives of millions and the very freedom of Canadians. Currently, an unfortunate 1.097 million people (as of 2011) are afflicted with this disease and the number is on the rise everyday. Keep yourself armed with knowledge and a baseball bat with nails in it to beat the hell out of the people that do have it. These are the 10 surefire ways to know if you or someone you love is afflicted with Calgaritis.

1. Delirium has set in and the only things they can talk about are the mountains, hiking, the general outdoors a lot, or skiing, (if they say the word “powder or shred” they’re too far down the rabbit hole and you need to “take care” of them asap rocky.)

2. They like the flames even if they can’t name a single player except Johnny Hockey. Some would even argue they like the flames more than certain members of their family (which either is bigger than an average sized Botswanan village or consists of them and their parents.)

3. They laugh a lot or roll their eyes when you mention how its “cold” in Kingston and if you don’t divert the conversation they’ll launch into a rant about chinooks and that one time their friend Gary got hypothermia and frostbite at the same time but managed to keep all his fingers by gutting a squirrel and sticking his fingers in it.

4. They own AT LEAST three pairs of cowboy boots. They will all look the exact same but they are all “slightly different” and can be worn at different formal occasions like funeral boots, fancy boots, and lounge or casual boots.

5. They know the distinct sections of Calgary like the back of their hand and can pinpoint the types of people living in each subdivision. For example: there is a certain section of Calgary that is reserved for only middle class families who manage to crank out stars of minor league hockey leagues year after year, and a section directly next to it reserved specifically for Filipino people.

6. If you mention the word “stampede” they will go on for a 10 minute, uninterrupted monologue about the Calgary stampede, how great it is, and that one time Gary stole booze and went absolutely nuts.

7. Due to being landlocked and because they drained all the lakes around 20 years ago, now they only drink oil. They put oil in cereal, drink oil at breakfast, lunch, and dinner and celebrate St. Patty’s day with a tall pint of stout oil.

8. They own at least two pieces of patagonia merch.

9. Their house either has a fireplace, or is on fire. (The Fort McMurray fires were never actually put out. Rest in spaghetti never forgetti.)

10. If you ever chirp Calgary they won’t deny it because it’s probably true, but will still be incredibly proud of their city.

Treatment centers are being set up all over Canada for those who are afflicted with Calgaritis. If they are not too far, take them to your local treatment center, if they are too far gone, fend for yourself, protect you and your family and knock them out. Good luck and stay safe.

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