It was a sad day for Jonathan Robert Mueller as he received an exciting iMessage from one of his close friends. Jeremy Levin, his canmate in Leggett in first year, was always loyal to him and would help him no matter the cause. When Mueller got his penis stuck in that makeshift cold cut fleshlight, Levin helped, using saliva, to get him out of it. When Mueller got his penis stuck in a mug, Levin yanked him out. When he got his penis stuck in a hockey puck, Levin was really confused but helped anyway. This was the sort of friend Levin was; unrelentingly loyal and discreet about how often Mueller got his weiner stuck in things. For Mueller, Levin felt like the best friend he could have. Despite his years of popularity in Middle and High School, due in part to his position as the starting centre for the field hockey team, he still felt as though no one was quite as close with him as Levin.

All that changed this past Monday. Indeed, Mueller received his iMessage with excitement and trepidation.

“Come to Corgi in the ARC” it read. And what excitement Mueller felt. As a child, he had a Corgi named Sheriff Will Teasle, named after the character in Rambo: First Blood. Despite his coolness and all the blowjobs and PCP-ridden orgies of Middle School, he felt an emptiness inside that could only be filled by the unconditional love of a little barky pupper. Indeed, every night after school and the orgies with Peloponnesian prostitutes, he would be most excited to come home to the stubby legs and wagging tail of Sheriff Teasle.

Immediately, he left the class he was in, despite the participation marks that were vital to his success. He was very excited. More excited than he’d been in a long time. Mueller imagined the warm embrace of Sheriff Teasle, and a lone tear fell down his face. No tears now, Mueller said. No more tears since the funeral.

He raced to the ARC, slipping and sliding and scrambling from Sterling Hall. It was a far journey, especially since he wasn’t wearing proper footwear but that didn’t matter to him. “Fuck proper footwear!” he screamed to the heavens, scaring both students and those evangelists who are always in front of Douglas library. He scrambled past the JDUC and had to awkwardly wait in front of the ARC since someone went in the wrong door and then there was sort of a pile up and people wouldn’t switch doors and people going in had to wait. Ugh I mean like just use the right door! It would make things so simple!

After giving a slight smirk of acknowledgement to several people he knew, he looked around frantically. Where was this animal? He looked back at his phone, and his heart dropped.

“***CoGro, sorry dude f autocorrect amirite?”

And thus, the dream of his long lost dog was dashed, all because of the fact that Apple doesn’t give the iPhone any good autocorrect learning. Remember the moral of this story folks - turn autocorrect off.