So you’re all alone on a Thursday night with nothing but a package of mini cucumbers and a thirst for adventure- it’s time to get a little freaky. You’re not just looking for love, you’re looking for love from two different people like a mustachioed porn star from the 80’s. Class is in session boys and girls and the lesson plan is fresh off the photocopier: how to absolutely master the ancient art of the threesome, all by yourself.

Oh you have a question? Yes, you holding the paper. How do you perform such a feat with only two hands, two feet and at least 7 toes? I know it can seem difficult, maybe even scary at first, but by the end of this article, I hope you will have learned a lot about yourself, your relationships with those around you and the surprising flexibility of eggplants.

First things first, you’ve got to grab some supplies. Head over to your nearest shopper’s drug mart and find the following: 3 litres of motor oil, a small umbrella, a rotary phone, an assortment of dick-shaped vegetables and a low quality cadaver. Feel free to ask help from anyone in the store, even if they don’t work there - random people will love to help you on this journey.

After you’ve grabbed supplies, it’s time for the setup. A “threesome rig” can be as complex or as simple as you’d like, but the best ones find a way to maximize pleasure and minimize stretching. Using old pieces of plywood and duct tape, create a Rube Goldberg machine that can touch you in ways another person never could (or would think to, or even consider remotely appropriate).

Let’s get down to brass taxes; it’s business time. And by that I mean you should check your stocks, talk to your accountant and lawyer and consider your future financial position after your butt gets blasted more explosively than whatever they have going on in mining engineering. But like seriously, contact your priest, rabbi or imam ‘cause you could die from too much sex (or starvation from spending too much time getting sum).

So what now? Time to take the freeway to the threeway! Get into position and flip that switch- pleasure awaits you. On the off chance your machine doesn’t work, please feel free to contact the following individuals for tech support:

Natalie Tanczak, attorney (not at law): 416-GET-REKT

Timmy Clump, local five year old: You can find him on myspace, I’m not doing all the legwork.

Sam Baranek, generally fun guy: Vic 103A

Kira Koopa Troopa, Is a koopa troopa: You tell me what a koopa troopa can’t do.

Jason Chronic, just my weed dealer: has great stuff, dm’s only

Elon Musk, no, not that one: Just kidding it is that one - 647 989 3445

Sam Totman, co-creator of song “Through the Fire and the Flames.” - samtots69@yahoo.ca

Brooke Sanders, just a friend: she changed her fb name to Brook Sarah for some reason so you can find her that way. She’s kinda weird though, so maybe call up the koopa troopa first. Like she’s not specifically unhelpful, I’m just saying she’s at the bottom of the list for a reason.

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