As the sweet sounds of bagpipes ruffled through Grant Hall during Fall Convocation and the graduates started lining up, all seemed to be going well. But little did anyone know, Jehovah Wilkins, a 3-year-old student at the Bright Sunshine Daycare accidentally stumbled into the ceremony and got confused as a KCVI student and hence a fourth year Queen’s student. No one involved in the convocation noticed the lone straggler and everything proceeded normally. The grads received their Arts and Science degrees and Jehovah even finished with the highest overall GPA in not only the faculty but also in all of Chemistry. When impromptuly asked to talk about his university experience, he spoke eloquently about his struggle and there wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd. His fellow ‘classmates’ didn’t notice anything weird, “Ok so ya we all noticed this toddler walking around in a huge gown but honestly people just keep looking younger every year. Looking back though, when I was changing his diapers I should’ve known something was up”.

It wasn’t until two weeks later that the registrar noticed something was awry when 22-year-old Chaim Goldstein told them he never received his degree in the mail since he was unable to attend the convocation due to ‘Family Matters’ (he was marathoning the classic 90’s sitcom). But by the time this was figured out there was nothing the university could do, as the registrar told us, “legally that’s Jehovah’s degree and Chaim will have to redo 4-years of undergrad in order to get a new one”. Chaim replied, “Ah the moon is a harsh mistress, but if that’s how the cookie crumbles - get me a broom”. Chaim then took a cookie out of his pocket, crumbled it, and proceeded to clean it up while whistling the theme song from Family Matters.

Since graduation, Jehovah has managed to get a job at Chem Tech Inc, the top chemistry business in Silicon Valley and he’s making about 100k a year which is significantly more than the 25 cents of allowance he’s used to. His parents have mixed feelings about their son’s path, “At first we had no idea we gave birth to this prodigy, but when we heard he got a degree in chemistry we were so proud! It was hard to send him to California to live on his own, but he knew it was for the best. He has his blankie with him so he’ll be fine”. According to Jehova’s employer he’s brought a ‘unique and imaginative’ attitude towards his work.

Finally, we talk to the child himself to get his perspective on this insane situation:

Cain: So Jehovah, what were you doing wandering around Grant Hall on that fateful day?

Jehovah: I was looking for cookies!! Mommy said that there’s was cookies so i looked for them.

Cain: Interesting. Did you know that you were getting a university degree?

Jehovah: What’s a unlivercity? This big boy named Cham told me he’d give me cookies if i walked into on the stage for thim. Now he get’s to stay in unlivercity forever!!!1

Cain: I guess that’s why he was so chill with the whole situation. In classic Chaim fashion, he cheated the system. Well played sir. Well played.

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