How to Pretend You’re Becoming a Better Person Without Actually Changing Anything
As New Year’s Resolutions continue to be forgotten like those dumbbells you swore you would use everyday before bed, a new, beautiful opportunity approaches us. No, it’s not ‘Roll up the Rim’, it’s Lent. For all you Christians out there, or anyone else, hello shalom, we don’t discriminate. The beautiful season of Lent is coming, March 1st to be specific. Here comes a time when people excitedly declare they will be giving up chocolate for forty days. Then, about 8 hours in they realize forty days is a really fucking long time. Or, like me, they don’t realize Lent has even started, so these fasts begin a little bit late. Or, again like me, (I get it, I’m a terrible person, God hates me) they give up something so painfully easy it barely counts. Like that time I gave up Twitter when I don’t even have Twitter.
Just like Jesus saved us, I am here to save you. I have compiled a list of things that you can give up that will not only put you on the nice list in God’s eyes, it may actually convince people you aren’t such a shitty person. Don’t worry, I made these nice and easy to keep the stress levels in your life nice and low.
Lazy 4-pieces. More beautiful words have never been said. Tell people you’ve given up Lazy 4-pieces and they will instantly consider you a master of self-control who is significantly better than them. However, don’t worry, this isn’t too difficult. Lazy has many other good options, have you tried the Lazy Breakfast? Heavenly. The true key to surviving those bitter 40 days though…. Lazy 5-pieces. Or 3-pieces. I’m sure the servers can accommodate your needs.
Leaving all your work until Sunday
This one’s a real winner. It’s a shoo-in for convincing your parents, tutors and academic support workers that you’re really turning the corner on your life decisions. The trick? Leave it until Monday. Or be like me, just don’t do it.
Everyone will be so impressed that you take so much pride in your health and well being. They’ll think you looked at your 1.7 and decided to make a change. They’ll think your days of leaving in the middle of your lectures to vomit so much it comes out your nose are over. They would be wrong. Here comes a beautiful 40 days, where you can try so many new liquors, palm bay flavours, ciders and coolers. Approaching you fast is the most drunktastic 40 days of your entire life.
Princess Delivering literally everything
Even though I love supporting local ventures, this is a real money-saver and exercise inducer. Plus, you may even be less likely to get McDonalds for the nineteenth day in a row if you have to walk across the street to get it. And then, you may actually earn those steps on your fitbit instead of just shaking the stupid thing before going to bed. That way you can beat all your aunts who are just trying to lose that last five pounds so that their husbands may love them again.
These well-thought out suggestions that I put a lot of effort into will truly revolutionize who you are as a person. Don’t change yourself too much though, no matter how shitty you are. Because, as my main man Reuben from Ocean’s Thirteen once said “The moment you become embarrassed of who you are, you lose yourself.”