In the first few months of Donald Trump’s presidency, the entire political landscape of the United States has been shifted, and the promises to crush the Democratic establishment have largely been fulfilled. However the Trump White House has continually been plagued by accusations of ties to Vladimir Putin, which have already forced the resignation of National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, and caused Attorney General Jeff Sessions to recuse himself from any investigation into Russian meddling in the American elections. A recent leaked bombshell report accuses the US Ambassador to Russia, Marya Shapovia, of having frequent contact with the Kremlin.

The report alleges that Shapovia had contact with his Russian counterpart, Sergey Kislyak, almost daily, through email, phone calls, text, and Snapchat. The report also claims that Shapovia would use the dog filter frequently in his correspondence with Kislyak. In response to the allegations, Shapovia responded, “I am the US Ambassador to Russia, so my job literally requires constant communication with my Russian colleagues. I don’t know why this is a big deal, like at all.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was outspoken on his opposition to this constant contact with the Russians, who have recently been seen as the biggest threat to the current US-dominated world order. “That an American politician would be colluding with the Russians on any affairs is an absolute affront to American democracy and sovereignty.” In response, the Democrats decided to launch a campaign of violence, similar to Elbowgate, where Democratic politicians have been passive-aggressively elbowing Republican lawmakers all over Washington. After receiving a particularly nasty jab to the hip, Shapovia decided to speak out about this workplace abuse, “You say that I have verbal contact with Russia and that this is bad, but you have rough bodily contact with me twice a day and that’s fine?”, Shapovia explained in frustration.

Russian-Americans all over the United States have found it increasingly difficult to speak with their loved ones and business partners who still reside back home without resistance from locals. It is not an uncommon sight to see a white American male walk over and elbow the living shit out of small Russian women on the phone with their Russian nieces and nephews. In the town of Nikolaevsk, Alaska, where the population who claims a Russian heritage is over 67%, a small-scale civil war is brewing. Even those all-American folk who are seen conversing with the Russian-American population have been accused of being Soviet spies and secretly pledging allegiance to the might of Vladimir Putin. Trump has mused on Twitter about bringing in the National Guard to “clean Nikolaevsk of the crime and the filth,” echoing his statements on inner-city Chicago.

“Hello I’m sorry, why is this article not discussing the original topic anymore? I am literally about to be jailed for life in a federal supermax prison in the middle of Texas,” Shapovia told us after realizing we had started rambling a bit. He currently resides in the custody of Donald Trump, in a special holding cell in the basement of the White House, awaiting trial. The cell is said to formerly be the White House bowling alley, and is decorated with all of the finest of the previous administration’s furniture. Certain sources have described it as, “not really a jail at all, more like a really nice room, sorta like Chef Victor’s White House lodging in Corey In The House”. Shapovia’s trial is expected to begin next week, although controversy is already brewing as the presiding judge was found to have formerly starred in a ‘Judge Judy’-esque television show in Russia from 1997-2003.