OK so listen here buckos- I’ve taken 2 economics courses, a single commerce course on business, and three years of whatever mining engineering decided I needed to take to get a degree in mining engineering- so I friggin’ know about markets and metals and money and all that bullshit. So you can trust this bad gal when she says: “Zinc is top shit and you should financially invest while it is still rising”.

Maybe it will stop rising by the time this paper is printed, but maybe Lorde will also release another super hot fire banger by Wednesday, or like Rick and Morty Season 3 will come out. Who’s to say really? Stop clenching your grabbing fists and start throwing your girlfriend’s hard earned cash into zinc stocks- if there’s one thing women love it is frivolous spending and financial dependency. It’s a no brainer- invest now!

Zinc is pretty cool as a metal. It’s in like everything you brain noodles can think of, like the specific examples you can find using a plain ol’ Google machine. Pretty wild! Guess what even! Zinc is in your batteries! This lil puppy is a big game player in batteries! If that isn’t neat, then you probably think things like Spotify premium is overrated and you just listen to the advertisements instead of investing in zinc so you can pay for Spotify premium to flippin’ dingbat.

Speaking of energy sources, zinc has some weird holistic bullshit healing magic going on for it. Probably don’t drink it, but hey, I’m not a doctor. Sometimes old mechanics taste their hydraulic oil, so who’s to say chugging a stein of zinc will be bad for your health? Definitely not this lady, so hop to it and invest in zinc now. They will even send you a sweet quart of solidified zinc as a cool prize for signing on to the zinc train.

What are you doing right now? Seriously, what the fuck are you doing? Are you wasting your life away Thomas? Get it together. Your mom and I really want you to grow up and be the strong independent fella we know you are honey, but you really have GOT to get it together. Your girlfriend is going to leave you because she thinks you’re a lump of garbage- no offense- and we really love Jessica and think she is so wonderful and maybe you could marry her or like get her pregnant or like cling to her until you can move out of our house and we can start empty nesting???? Please??? We think a good start would be for you to start looking for jobs or INVEST IN ZINC BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS WILD AND ON THE RISE BABY. WOO.

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