I’m back bitches, and as usual I’m here to preach real issues to you. I’ve heard enough talk this week about stupid shit that nobody cares about, like health insurance for millions of people and Russian spying. I feel that if I want to earn my position as editor, I need to treat this publication as a way to promote true journalism, and write about actual issues. So, let’s talk about the failures of Spongebob to depict Western society in a proper light. What better way is there to talk about Western Society than this?
Let’s go over all the ways in which SpongeBob fails to accurately depict the Western world. The world of SpongeBob is filled with naivety, greed, and passive-aggression. And all of these negative traits are taken on by the entire population of Bikini Bottom. From my estimates, Bikini Bottom appears to be at least 95% fish, with the other 5% occupying the minorities we see in the show. While it is fantastic that all of the primary and secondary characters are minorities (which gives us a fantastic view of Bikini Bottom from the outside,) the main characters of the show are all fucking depraved idiots. We have SpongeBob, the naïve fool who understands almost nothing that happens around him, is a child, and is employed in a fast-food burger joint. He works for a money grubbing crab named, aptly, Mr. Krabs. Other minorities depicted poorly are Patrick, the starfish – who is utterly, hopelessly idiotic, and Squidward, the impatient squid with no time for nobody. Meanwhile, the average dudes, the fish people, are all kind of huge assholes as well most of the time. I guess in the end, Bikini Bottom is a place where everybody is a piece of shit after all. What the in the Nihilistic fuck kind of children’s show is this?

SpongeBob fails because it is far too one-sided in its depiction of Western civilization. Where are the triumphs? The victories? Spongebob can’t even get a driver’s license without pissing off the instructor (Mrs. Puff) so much she gives up and abandons her moral principles – and sullies the integrity of government licensing in the process. Mrs. Puff gives SpongeBob a license so she never has to teach him again. This would never happen in the Western World – a place where bureaucracy is always benevolent, and never corrupt. The idea that Spongebob can never truly win is despicable – and an insult to the American Dream. And don’t even get me started on Plankton. Plankton is, by all measures, really just your average citizen trying to make it in America. He is constantly being stopped at every turn by corporate espionage, extreme competition, and straight-up bad luck. And yet, Plankton is in many ways a hero – somebody who never gives up on his dream of acquiring the Krabby Patty recipe, no matter the adversity he faces, or his numerous failures. If there is one thing you can take out of this editorial, it’s that we should all strive to be more like Sheldon Plankton.

To conclude, I think Spongebob fails to show us the beauty of the Western world, and only succeeds in showing us the darker side – the failures, the losses, the corruption of ethics, and the decline of morality. I hope that in the future undersea T.V. shows about our way of life can depict Western civilization in a more lenient light, that respects the brighter side of life.

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