Ryan Alton thought that his chance to work at TAPS was close to zero from the beginning. After enjoying going QP for all of his second year, he decided that it was somewhere he wanted to work - and why not? He used his OSAP money for beer and now he needed to pay for his OSAP in a weird cycle of college drinking culture. So he applied online through the AMS website. Luckily for him, he met the initial 3 or more quarter-zip quota and made it to the group interview round. However, this group interview would prove to be more difficult than he expected.

“I had no idea that the group interviews would be formatted the way they were! We were all asked the same questions and unless you were first, you were left repeating what the person before you said! I honestly felt like I had to lie at some points about what I would do in situations to stand out. When they asked about an intoxicated patron ordering another drink, I said I would pour the beer over their head instead of refusing them! Isn’t that ridiculous?”

Luckily for Alton though, he made it through to the next round. When asked for a statement, the AMS merely reiterated that they operated “under a peer-to-peer interview process where peers interview their peers in an equitable and sustainable way”. The individual interviewers declined to comment.

Nonetheless Alton was off to his individual interview, which he thought was on the wrong floor of the JDUC. After arriving 5 minutes late, panting heavily due to his deteriorating and woefully out of shape body, he went into the interview. Already far too sweaty so that his nipples were clearly visible through his shirt, it was reported that none of Alton’s jokes landed, he accidentally went for the handjob instead of the handshake (understandable), expressed his views on abortion without prompt, and shotgunned a pack of Trident Minty Sweet Twist. That being said, he was able to answer a couple of the questions and claimed that it was overall “solid, I guess”.

Alton will hear back in the next couple of days about whether or not he got the job. He’s stated, on the record, that he’s looking forward to being unenthusiastic towards patrons, pouring beer with too large of a head, giving too little head, and overall being mediocre at his job.