This is your favourite vaping Christian dad here, just checking in. After a rough weekend, I’ve decided to stop drinking altogether. This is not so much about health concerns as it is about just enjoying life to its fullest. From now on I will never drink anything again. I will not drink in social situations, I will not drink before going out, and I will certainly not drink alone. Even with a nice meal, I will not drink. Don’t worry though, I will never stop vaping. So, here are ten reasons why I decided to stop drinking:

1) Drinking tastes bad
Let’s get one thing straight: Drinking is gross. I would argue its one of the worst things I’ve ever done. Why drink when you can do literally anything else? Water is the worst. I hate drinking it, and I intend never to drink it (or anything) ever again.

2) Drinking makes food worse
People say drinking a glass of wine with a steak is delicious, but I prefer to embellish my food by other means – ketchup, for example. I personally enjoy food more when it isn’t shackled in the confines of having to be consumed simultaneously with liquid. I intend to never drink anything again, because it makes my food so much worse.

3) Liquid is the weirdest substance
Anytime I’ve ever had to choose between liquid, solid, and gas, I’ve always made sure to never pick liquid. Gas would be weirder if you could see it, but since you can’t I would say liquid is worse. Just look at how it forms around any shape that confines it – I’m shivering just thinking about it. Liquid is worse than any shapeshifting monster, because it transforms more convincingly than any other. Just terrifying.

4) Drinking is a form of societal control
Did you know the government puts Fluoride in our water? What’s up with that anyway? I’m convinced they use it to control us through creating a dependency on a resource that is supposedly critical to the survival of our species. Personally, I think that’s all a lie to continue fueling the establishment. If we all just stopped drinking, we could teach the government a real lesson! Anyway, that’s just one more reason why drinking sucks and I hate it and I’m no longer doing it.

5) I’m getting kind of thirsty but willpower is everything
So, here’s the thing: you could say I’m thirsty. But, someBODY once told me that the Jews wandered through the desert for like 40 years without water, and look how they turned out! Anyway, the moral sticks: drinking is stupid and you shouldn’t do it. I honestly feel fine right now anyway. Like yeah my throat is a little itchy and I’m feeling kind of tired but I think that once I ween my body off of its addiction to liquid I’ll come out on top and show everybody who’s boss! So, wish me luck in my quest to stop drinking!