Native advertising: a term you probably heard three years ago and thought, “huh, that sounds boring.” Well let me be the first to tell you that yes, it is pretty boring but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be afraid - more afraid than that time when you were eight and your sibling turned off the lights while you were showering and started punching the curtains like a dickhead. It seems as though people have forgotten about native advertising, which I guess shows it’s working as sneakily as Adult Depends Diapers™ on a guy who has severe incontinence but hasn’t told any of his friends or classmates...

So what exactly is native advertising? It’s basically an ad put out by some skeezy company that’s made to mimic online content, drawing you in for the clicks and leaving you feeling empty and alone, like a used Adult Depends Diaper™. You’re surfing through the web, looking for some form of porn with the essence of an Andy Warhol silkscreen and then you finally come across something passable, it’s an ad for Adult Depends Diapers™!

Over the past couple years, native advertising has transformed from a scary new idea into a really scary old idea that nobody talks about. Like usual, the media aired a few concerning new specials about the problem, followed by social uproar, followed by a twitter hashtag, followed by a new bad thing that people pretend to care about, followed by people on reddit getting pissy about something that nobody cares about anymore, followed by the bad thing actually happening ‘cause bureaucracy exists, followed by a forgettable movie about the entire incident a few years later that pretends we solved it. It’s a problem that just keeps repeating itself, just like irritable bowel syndrome (maybe try Depends Silhouette™ for those formal occasions, or Depends Real Fit™ for your active lifestyle!).

We live in troubling times - you’re not even safe in the privacy of your myspace profile! We need to rise up and fight for our right to scroll through an endless stream of half-baked memes without having to be sold on the newest smart watch or the upcoming beauty and the beast film (that’s actually real news, look up “Google Home Beauty and the Beast, it’s not okay). We should be signing petitions, protesting the interwebs and calling up local politician persons to make sure they still do good stuff. If we don’t act now, we’ll be no better than your grandparents, just living out their last few couple months, wearing Adult Depends Diapers™, eating cranberry sauce from last thanksgiving.

So how do we claw our way out of this hole that is native advertising? We’ve got to model this first: imagine your dad has been replaced with some random guy who looks like your dad and is trying to sell you tide pods. Here’s the plan: kill the guy trying to sell you tide pods and accept that your dad is probably tied up somewhere, praying to god that the tide pod people don’t take another one of his fingers. In short: stop reading things online that could be selling you stupid stuff and be content with a life of memes, off brand ketchup chips and Adult Depends Diapers™.

Author: