Recently, the Western University’s student newspaper, the Gazette, came under media scrutiny from across the country for publishing an article called something like “So You Want to Date a TA?” - I’m speculating because the outrage caused it to be wiped from the internet completely. Kind of like an online version of Men In Black, except it makes less sense. So in the spirit of journalism and tradition of plagiarizing content, Golden Words would like to present our own version of the Gazette’s article.
Here’s how to get cozy sexytimes with your TA, in five easy steps.
  1. ‘Stalk’ them on social media. Don’t be lazy and just creep their Facebook profile, you need to step it up if you want your TA/the police to notice you! Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Friendster (because they’re old!), Renren (because maybe they’re Chinese), and even sending them a good old fashioned naked fax can really get their attention.
  2. Visit their office hours. Like ALL THE TIME. Everyone knows how office hours work - unless there’s an exam, no one goes to them. Not even the TA sometimes. This is the perfect time to get some one-on-one interaction with them. Get to know your TA by asking questions like “so when did you first discover you wanted to teach first year gender studies?’ or “what are your thoughts on Bloodhound Gang?” or “say, how about we shut this hippie beaded doorway and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel?”
  3. Make sure the TA is NOT in any of the classes you are enrolled. You know how weird it is for everyone else in that class to know one of their peers is banging their instructor? Gross, and unfair. No, so make sure the TA you lust after is in the complete opposite faculty you are in: if you’re an Artsci, stalk an Eng TA; if you’re in Commerce, stalk a Nurse; and if you’re in Religious Studies, you shouldn’t be stalking anyone unless it’s Jesus.
  4. Make a joke about the course. This comes after being sexual. This was stolen directly from the Gazette article, so it’s not my fucking fault it makes no sense.
  5. This one is obvious, but you should at some point take them out to a nice restaurant or bar (I recommend The Alibi, like every other fucking person) and publically end it with them. Tell them that you’re too good to be hanging out with the likes of them, and that this was all because you read a stupid article from Western’s version of The Journal, which is the journalistic equivalent of Dominoes serving garbage. And that’s what it’s really about, isn’t it? Making fun of Western.
Have fun frosh, and if you can’t get that TA, you could always try that hot guy/girl down the hall!