Queen’s to erect “Berlin Wall” between Main and West Campus

For the twenty-fifth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall, Queen’s University has commissioned the Civil Engineering Department to construct a 15 foot tall wall in between West and Main Campus to commemorate the efforts of the Soviet Union for standing up for the people. This would cause students on West Campus to take three separate bus routes to get to class in the morning.

The University released a statement saying that due to safety issues, students would not be allowed to climb over the wall in order to walk to class, instead, they would have to walk down to King Street or up to Princess Street to cross Sir John A Macdonald Boulevard. Any attempts to climb over the wall would be met with an immediate Tri-Pub ban.  


Golden Words wants to start hiding Shit in Luxembourg

In light of recent news about hiding money in Luxembourg, Golden Words realized that they should have been doing that all along. Doing what Golden Words does best, we are stealing our best ideas. What could we have been doing with all this money all years? We could have save like 40 bucks or like a 200% raise for all of us!  


Research team confirms that Jesus didn’t lift

Archeologists from the department of Classical Studies in a combined research project with researchers from the department of Kinesiology and Health Studies have confirmed that Jesus Christ, in fact, did not lift.

According to historical readings and analysis of the Bible it has been suggested that Jesus may have also been one of the founders of Cross-Fit. According to undergraduate research assistant, Paul Bunion (Kin ’15), this means that he was almost definitely suffering from severe scoliosis. This would be from years of terrible form and not actually lifting. According to researchers in both departments, if Jesus lifted, he would have been able to have burst from the cross like “some sort of meat titan”.

In their conclusion, the team suggested that we could learn from the mistakes of the Savior of Man and never do Cross-fit.


Pope declares ‘You don’t need to believe in God to be Christian’ and ‘Weed is not that bad’

Pope Francis, who has been known for rocking the Catholic world with his liberal stances on Christianity, has recently made believing-in-God optional for a  Christian. “I mean, like, I want to believe in God, but I see how others don’t. Cause like… come on? Taking snake? Pffft.” A statement the pope made recently that has garnered much controversy among the cardinals. “He’s like, seriously ruining everything we’ve worked so hard to create. If people don’t feel obligated by a made up being in the sky to give us money, we’re out of business.” A cardinal said. The pope also has taken a liberal stance on the legalization and normalization of cannabis. “Ok get this. If God didn’t want us to smoke it, why would he make it one of the easiest plants to grow on earth? If it makes people happy, is that really a bad thing? N’am sayin?” The pope then took a righteous bong hit before full on making out with a Leper.