Queen's Players Review
Queen’s players have moved to The Mansion for their latest drunk comedy/rock show. For this semester’s show, audience members are able to take part in a one-evening whirlwind trip around the world on the surprisingly sexual Disney cruise ship. If you’d like to have sex with Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, or have a threesome with both of them, get your ticket at Tricolor Outlet today for only $15! By the time this article goes to print, I’m sure tickets will be sold out, so good luck on your mouse orgy, fucker!
The cruise leaves The Mansion at 8PM sharp and begins its journey on Indian Ocean. Now you may be asking yourself: “How can the cruise ship leave from The Mansion and sail on the Indian Ocean when the Indian Ocean is halfway across the world?” Well that’s just the magic of Disney.
At 8PM, the upper floor of The Mansion was violently torn from the lower layers, an experience which can only be described as terrifying, unforgettable, yet strangely erotic. Now I was alone on the Indian Ocean on a Disney cruise ship with Tarzan, Mickey Mouse, Dora the Explorer, Kim Possible, Kim Kardashian, Captain Morgan, Barbie, Siri, and over a thousand elderly people who were aboard the cruise because that’s what old people do. I definitely wasn’t alone, but I sure felt alone. Kim Kardashian was the only other person aboard the ship who was under 65 and not animated cartoon characters or iPhone Apps.
I immediately tried befriending Kim Kardashian, but she ran off screaming for her baby when the captain announced “The ship is now headed directly towards North West”. I fared no better with the elderly people as it was now past 8:30PM and they had all gone to bed. I had no choice but to face the cartoons who all seemed very eager to seduce me. Siri was all too eager to help.
“Siri, I need help with the cartoons. I haven’t seen any of them since I was a child, and now they all seem really fucked and super horny. Captain Morgan’s a raging drunk; all Tarzan can think about is Jane’s coconuts; Barbie is asking everyone to undress her; Mickey Mouse is on Tinder; and look at Kim Possible’s nipples - they’re huge! How can I get off of this cruise?”
“Did you mean how to escape from a cruise of your childhood nightmares? I recommend a life raft.”
“OK. Good thinking Siri. Where is the nearest life raft?”
“I found a number of life rafts near you. The nearest life raft is located at Portsmouth Harbour in Kingston, Ontario”
“God Damnit Siri! We’re in the Indian Ocean”
“I’m sorry. Apple Maps does not work in the Indian Ocean. Would you like to upgrade to iOS 8?”
I gave up on getting help from Siri and threw my iPhone overboard into the thundering waters of the Indian Ocean. Then I realized that Find My iPhone doesn’t work in the Indian Ocean, and even if it did, I would have needed to upgrade to iOS 8 to unlock the waterproof feature on the phone. Now I was truly fucked: alone on a Disney cruise ship with horny cartoon characters, Kim Kardashian taking naked instagram selfies, and a bunch of sleeping elderly people, without the guiding hand of Steve Jobs/Tim Cook cleverly disguised as a polite woman with an ambiguous accent.
Now it was the part of the show where everyone sings a song. All of the cartoon characters gave up on their goal of an orgy and began singing [song title removed due to spoilers] and dancing. The dancing quickly became extremely sexual, with Mickey Mouse eating out Dora while Tarzan watched in awe, so shocked he could not even bang his chest.
After the song, the cartoons had all forgotten about their quest to seduce me, and instead became overly concerned with an incoming iceberg. I was starting to worry that this lifeboat-less cruise ship might actually hit an iceberg, when they all got up and started singing again. This process repeated ten-or-so more times: the cartoon characters, and occasionally Kim Kardashian would all become extremely focused on some extremely small, insignificant issue, and then completely forget about it when one of them decided it was time to sing. They each took turns singing lead for one song each. One of the songs was instrumental. RIP Siri.
The ship landed back in Kingston after its final tour of the Arctic Ocean at about 11PM, but I was too drunk to know what time it was, and was also just really tired from all the jet lag from travelling around the entire world in 3 hours. Queen’s Players will be sailing around the world again this week Wednesday-Saturday. Tickets are no longer available at Tricolour.