Water: Wow, genius, you’re going to travel all across Kanto with a fucking fish. What if the gym isn’t in water, you dipshit? How’s your Pokemon supposed to use water gun when you’re in the middle of the desert? Does the Poke-Centre just hook up a hose to Blastoise's ass and fill some hidden tank on his shell? But more importantly, what does this say about your sex life? It really highlights how shortsighted you are. Logic and rational thought isn’t your forte. Once you get your significant other into the bedroom, you go right for the water sports. There’s nothing like wearing a diaper out to the bar and then going home and having the cute girl from the bar pee on your face.

Grass: How edgy of you, when deciding between the firehose turtle and the fire breathing dragon, you decided the the fat potted plant was what would REALLY round out your team. Your sex life is characterized by your massive bush and your love of bondage. You just want that vine whip to pin you down and go exploring through the ecosystem you call pubic hair. Just hope they don’t find any crabbies. Nothing rounds out a good sex session like smoking up some trees after you finish. Fucking hippy.

Fire: Oh, so you think you’re hot shit don’t you? You think you and your fancy overpowered flying fire breathing dragon are just SOOOO much fucking better than the potted plant and the fish. You wanna know why you empathize with fire? It’s probably the raging herpes you have that makes it burn when you pee. You were so good at getting laid, too bad you weren’t good enough at wearing protection, and now your ‘fire dragon’ has so many status conditions that just touching it hurts in your confusion. Get your shit together, wear a condom.