Or, how to be Kingston famous before exams

If you read literally anything on the internet, you will eventually come across a comment like “music these days is GARBAGE! It will never be better than the 90s! RIP Kurt. Ron Paul 2016!” This seems to be the prevailing opinion out there: that so-called “real music” is dead so we might as well shoot ourselves or something. But not only is this guy wrong about 90s music (he’s clearly never heard of Aqua), he’s also wrong about the current music scene. Thanks to the collapse of the recording industry since the advent of the internet, it’s now easier than ever to make yourself heard. The options are endless, especially if you have an acoustic guitar, handclaps, and a man bun. Otherwise, a very diverse range to work from.

The first thing you need to do is find some like-minded/ inebriated individuals that will also be in your band. These can range from your best friends to random strangers.Some bands even have siblings in them. Though be cautioned - when your band inevitably goes through its public and vicious breakup, its best when this does not involve the crumbling of a decades old friendship or permanent family dysfunction.

The next step has two parts: decide which instrument you want to play AND then learn how to play it. Some say this should be the first step. Some would also say that this article is a stream of consciousness, so the other people can go fly through the city like a sex machine. Do you like cheese?

At a basic level, bands usually consist of a drummer, a guitarist, a bassist, and a singer. If you want to up your band game, there’s also keyboards, accordion, or a 16-piece Kenyan children’s choir. But those options should only be reserved for bands with four people or more. No one wants to see a three-piece band with a ukulele, a trombone, and a banjo. Well, some people do, but those people were also responsible for Vampire Weekend becoming successful, so they obviously don’t count.

The next stage is fashion. I’m not really an expert on this, but the consensus seems to be that you want to look like you just took acid and raided a thrift store, but don’t smell like it. So break out the credit cards and head to urban outfitters.

Finally, write some songs! This usually works best by having one the band members tackle this alone, because when you write by committee, it loses all feeling because no one knows whose “girl” it is they’re really singing about. If this doesn’t work, just find some existing popular songs and “rework” them (aka slow it down half-speed and use an acoustic guitar). And there you have it! If you’re not famous and making boat-loads of cash (ie enough to buy a boat) by the time exams roll around, you’re a failure and and you should never try anything ever again.

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