As children we are told that penis jokes are for mature adults and not appropriate, and as adults we are told that penis jokes are too immature and not appropriate. I say fuck that, penis jokes are hilarious, and as a fuck you to my parents, this is an article about how to draw the perfect dick.

When to draw your man-meat?

All the time. Assert dominance. Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Where to draw your saucy-sausages?

Everywhere: bathrooms stalls, poster boards, Goodes Hall, and on the notes that belong to the pre-med student’s next to you in lectures who wants to perform heart surgery one day but still cringes at the word “vagina”. Special cases of places you should not draw include funerals, except if your grandma liked penis jokes; then you should draw a big one in the guest book out of respect.

How big to draw your twig and berries?

A common misconception in the dick-drawing community is that bigger is better. This couldn’t be more wrong. It is all about the tip to shaft to ball ratio. According to my mouth the perfect ratio is 1:5:3.

Tips and Tricks

-Be generous with the amount of pubes; we’re going for authenticity, and penisia (the plural form of the word penis) have a lot of pubes.

-Use dark lines when drawing your veins. Nothing is more eye grabbing than a poppin’ vein.

-Practice your circles (yay, graphics finally paid off) for the testicles. Yes, I know I said I was going for authenticity before, but there is nothing like a nice circular ball.

-Don’t be shy with the colouring - really make those bad boys pop.

-Try to maintain an 85° to 120° angle from the jewels; you can’t be drawing boomerangs.

Addendum: Point-of-View

In the vastly diverse community of phallic illustrators, we are deeply divided on the issue of the point-of-view being hip-side or birds eye. Tensions are running high between the two camps. arguments have been had, and feelings have been hurt.

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