Our EXCLUSIVE Interview WIth the Brute Force Committee
THIS IS FOR REAL
The BFC: the mysterious thugs who managed to steal our pole. We reached out to them in a web exclusive article and they responded! We congraulated each other for being hilarious and funny and cool and then we got down to business, put our investigative journalism pants on and sat down (via email) to ask the Brute Force Committee some serious questions.
GW: How did you steal the pole? Were any Mission Impossible style gadgets used whilst taking it?
BFC: It was an extensively planned operation involving a pair of hacked weather satellites, one of those stealth helicopters used in Operation Neptune Spear, and Costco pack of night-vision goggles. Unfortunately all Mission Impossible style gadgets were trademarked and copyrighted by the movies so we had to improvise. A key part of the plan involved utilizing both our giant hammer (formerly of Ryerson) and our 60” duplicate chromed pipe wrench (formerly of Waterloo- although they continue to deny it) and they were invaluable to our success in acquiring the Grease Pole (formerly of Queens).
GW: What are your ransom demands?
BFC: I haven’t checked in my fridge lately but there never seems to be enough beer around here. Stay tuned for the rest of the demands.
GW: From a scale from 1 to 10 how good does it feel knowing you’re packing a 30 footer?
BFC: Let’s not over exaggerate here, last time I checked it was 26.3 ft long- and it feels pretty good but as a neutral third party I gotta admit Ye Old Mighty Skule (TM) Cannon definitely gives more bang for its buck.
GW: Approximately how many phallic jokes have been made since stealing our pole?
BFC: I dickn’t know what you’re cocking about, nobulgey has shafted anything about penises around here.
GW: U of T engineers have a reputation for being antisocial, how did you manage to plot and successfully steal the Greasepole while mumbling and avoiding looking each other in the eyes? (editorial note- BURRRNN)
BFC: That’s just what your parents tell you because they don’t want to pay the ridiculous tuition fees to send you to the best university in Canada (editorial note- koff koff booost koff koff) Come over here and drink with us and we’ll show you how to have a good time in the middle of a real city.
GW: If you can muster the means and the motivation, we here at Golden Words would sincerely appreciate it if, in honor of our 50th volume being put out this year, you could carve “GOLDEN WORDS” around the top of the pole. In exchange we will write a series of escalating love letters to you, and enshrine Brute Force Committee in our newspaper as the “Official Bad Boys We Can’t Help But Love”
BFC: We appreciate the offer, and congratulations on publishing your 50th volume- but we were deeply hurt by the fact that you failed to mention our previous heist of the Queens Grease Pole back on Sept 13th, 2000. Let us know when you publish your 263rd volume and we will definitely pay a visit to your fine institution. And let’s be honest, deep down in your hearts you already know we’ve always been the “Official Bad Boys [You] Can’t Help But Love”